Saturday, October 8, 2016

Day 696 - Working with memories: 'I feared that he would enter the room and get angry at me'

Memory: I feared that he would enter the room and get angry at me

I actually wanted a friend to talk to and help me with how I experience myself, how to handle things, a point of support in my life.
When I was at a point where I saw this would not be the case I tried to support myself with books, introspection, esoterics, psychology, homeopathy, etc.
This resulted in my not playing the role in his life that I had started off with when I had still thought and hoped he would be the kind of support I wanted, the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with.
So eventually he reacted to what I was busy with in the time I had for myself and I started fearing these reactions.

How would I correct such a situation as who I am now?

I would have a look at how I came to this place, this experience and situation and who I am within it, what are my intentions, what is my secret mind? (Then sf and correct)

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I notice when bringing it here again that I have a relief when his anger explosion has taken place, because then, for one, I know that this gradual accumulation to this point of explosion is stopped for a while, as it has discharged itself. Also, I can go into the 'self-righteous victimhood experience' and inwardly hold it against him, where it can seem that only he is to blame and then I don't have to face my own involvement and responsibility in this and simply carry on.

So this definitely shows that in such moments I am/was afraid to face this change of relationship toward him that is caused by a change in experiencing him as the being I desire friendship with and support from to not wanting to relate to him at all due to being disappointed that he couldn't fill this 'position' toward me within my life and thus seeing him as stifling me in my expression. The support I had hoped for within the friendship relationship I learned to stand as within myself to a degree. However, the 'deal' we had struck by marrying and the corresponding role distribution in family care would have had to be reassessed - meaning how much would a change endanger my feeling of financial security? What rights to that would I still have when I didn't want to relate to him in the way I originally had when entering the agreement/marriage? I took care of the children and household - but what about us?

There had been a lot of attempts at changing the co-dependency that we had gone into. The original fear of not being able to support myself financially - a dimension of the desire for friendship and support - had still not been completely resolved and thus I believed I required the status quo to continue, despite the verbal abuse that I encountered.

Seeing all of this today, I realize his anger shows me his helplessness toward not being able to change our relationship (plus to a great deal actually his own self-relationship), and also directly reflects back to me my suppressed anger and lived helplessness toward my mind-set and self-beliefs of inadequacy within the money system, and feeling dependent - within it all showing me the extent of self-compromise and self-anger I had actually created.


After having walked many dimensions of this self-relationship through a process of self-forgiveness and self-correction I've changed these experiences of self and created a new supportive environment for us all (for him, I guess, it was my stepping out of the cage of our relationship that freed him to attempt to carry on on a different note too).

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Day 695 - He's making me suffocate

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I found a print-out of some beliefs that I had worked on with self-forgiveness from the beginning stages of my process and am having another look at them. Here and within other coming posts I will collect a follow-up.

Pertaining to the belief that x makes me feel like I suffocate:


I see, realize and understand that this is manifested consequence that I have allowed to build up, where I had missed directing myself in and as situations with the being from the onset. I am able to take the experience I have and not allow such a self-relationship to continue. This is not about the other, it's the projection of the cause for my inner state/experience onto him - actually the culmination of attempting to avoid directing a fear of providing for myself financially, the idea of being dependent and having to subject myself to his ideas, control and reactions. So to forgive the experience and the self-relationship, clarifying my inner space by finding the words that express the experience of how I relate to myself and my environment in the moment. I redefine the words to living words that I embrace as myself such as the words self-direction, self-clarification, self-assertion. I see the self-expansion point being the standing within and as myself in self-honesty and self-support. Also the word self-trust is important pertaining to providing for myself financially wherein I can embrace a policy of 'small steps'.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Day 694 - Corrections on the idea that I am safe when someone is objective


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I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself sensing and/or fearing reactions and eventual blame. I see, realize and understand that I desire to protect myself from blame as I see it as an emotional reaction of people and when I remain within objectivity and on a factual basis and I request that of another, I will remain safe. I see that I have the self-image of one-not-to-be-blamed due to 'even going into self-compromise for others', so it is never warranted - thus when people are factual/objective, they will not use blame = not hurt me. I see the construct wherein I hide from self-investigation of self-compromise, fear of blame, responsibility. I embrace self-honesty.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself interpreting that a person is projecting blame for his/her hurt onto me. I see, realize and understand that from this interpretation I create the emotion of hurt and perception of being blamed. I see that even if she is hurt and trying to blame it has nothing to do with me in that moment. I first and foremost take care of directing any movements in me and focus on breathing.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself trying to swipe away the hurt. I see the suppression and do not accept it. I see I would usually hold onto the idea of objectivity thus suggesting that this is the modality for   our exchange to avoid (more) emotions and reactions within me and her. Instead I remain in breath and embrace the word self-care.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself going into a reaction and suppressing it. I see that this is part of the pattern where I hold onto objectivity as solution and shove everything inside me aside without sf the energy in the moment of it appearing/being created. I see the fear of blame as starting point and the result as the manifestation of the fear. I commit to preventing this whole pattern within and as me. I live the word self-support.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I an internal energy game going on it myself. I see, realize and understand that I allow this internal energy game after believing that the interpretation of her expression is a fact: that she is blaming me for her hurt, and at the same time I suppress it and focus on being objective in my further exchange. I see that I am splitting myself into 'objectivity mode' and a subconscious backchat mode. I do not accept this to happen. I embrace the word self-honesty and self-direction.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself allowing backchat, go into the feeling of being rejected, inadequate and/or at fault. Instead I realize the pattern and see this as its outflow as the self-compromise I am creating. I stop and embrace the word self-honesty.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself considering someone as not being objective particularly when I interpret her blaming me for her hurt. I see that I am manifesting my starting point as the outflow of this event. I commit to aligning my starting point with life and do the same when deciding to embrace a word particularly the word 'objectivity'.




Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Day 693 - "I am safe within objectivity" - Reasoning

I saw that I had created an experience based on how I had defined the word 'objectivity' in my mind based on fear of blame and others' reactions, and the desire to not get hurt. Here I will investigate this further with self-forgiveness and at the same time release the points:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live objectivity in a polarized meaning as the desire for communication without emotion and the fear of blame - where I wish for objectivity in the other because I fear blame, reactions and emotions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress my own emotions in order to adhere to the dictate that I tied to the word objectivity, due to not wanting to experience my own reactions and emotions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being hurt by another, particularly through blame.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe when someone is objective I am safe because no blame will be spoken and thus I can relax and need not fear.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear blame instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I see as blame can also be a pointer toward missed responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to maintain the self-image of there not being anything I can be blamed for, that all blame is unjustified, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have built up a negative association toward the word blame where I would have to check if my self-image of always acting responsibly is justifiable.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to swipe away the experience of being emotionally hurt by what my mom said and hold myself to objectivity according to my definition of not allowing emotions in one's expression in order to protect myself from an escalation of the experience of hurt.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mom was the one who caused me to experience the hurt and within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe expressed or alluded blame is able to cause an experience in me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that blame is a projection where one wants to avoid self-responsibility by projecting the responsibility to another - actually saying one wants to 'be-lame' instead of taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe stability can be maintained when one focuses on facts, instead of seeing stability is a self-relationship, not something external one focuses on.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reason that one - when one is objective - has to see that I am already taking my full responsibility because I am already compromising myself so much to meet expectations.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that responsibility entails that one has to compromise oneself at times.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel I had to meet expectations and compromise myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that, if blame is added, then it is not objectively seen that I have already gone so far and that the blame is unwarranted.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I hurt her and she is blaming me, when I do not know this, but can see that it is actually so that I am hurt and blame her for it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rather interpret what I see in her as 'being hurt' with her then blaming me, and from there create 'my' hurt and blame against her within myself, instead of seeing the timeline of this self-creation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I victimize myself by interpreting that she is blaming me thus creating the hurt and blame against her.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the word 'objectivity' to not see, realize and understand the self-dishonesty I allow within the self-image of being responsible 'because I compromise myself so much to meet another's expectations': because I believe I can demand objectivity for interactions which should be devoid of emotions and thus projections of blame, and without blame, I cannot be 'made at fault' for not actually taking responsibility for self and others in a one and equal way.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret her mouth corners going down as 'I hurt her'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to decide to 'remain objective' and thus hide behind the word to not address the actual acceptances of internal processes as the how of the creation of hurt and blame and thus attempt to suppress the emotion that I create.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to, even though I see I've reacted, focus on being objective, instead of speaking a quick sf statement.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of rejection and perceived and projected inadequacy. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the under-current of inadequacy that I had created.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think she is not objective and makes it about me, blames me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I react to her due to my demand that objectivity may not hold emotions and blame and so see her as violating rules which is 'unfair to me'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel inadequate and somehow at fault, where I further participate in mind not seeing how I created this trap with the self-image of already doing everything (but in self-compromise) and not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by specific movements in the stages of the creation of this event around objectivity.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a construct around objectivity with the belief elements of people will not react and blame when they are objective/factual; I must request them to be objective then they won't blame me and be reactive toward me; when I remain objective I will not react and avoid (further) hurt; I can pretend toward the other (and myself) that I am not hurt when I direct us back to objectivity; I can remain 'strong' when I direct myself toward objectivity;  I can stabilize myself through objectivity; people cannot objectively find blame in me because I have compromised myself so much for them in the name of 'responsibility'; I am safe within objectivity; Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reasoning with respect to the word objectivity was misconstrued.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I had no self-honesty when applying the word objectivity within my interactions with people.

Corrections will follow. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Day 692 - Falling asleep in the middle of something

Here I'm changing a pattern of falling asleep all of a sudden, where a moment before, when I was focused I wasn't tired at all; and patterns of reaction toward time:


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I have noticed that I had specific times 'set' in my inner clock. So when I check the time, I access the internal image of a clock and 'automatically' assess the 'lateness' of an hour.
I looked at it more closely to see what they were, because I sometimes get tired suddenly and fall asleep, where on other occasions when I'm physically busy around the same time I don't get tired at all.
The times I relate to are 20:30, where I sometimes look at my watch or the laptop clock and see that it's past 21:00 and inwardly relate to it being past 20:30 when I used to go to bed as a school child; then another one at 22:30 of which I say it is 'already' 22.30, alluding that this is late; and then when I look at 23:00 I relate to it being even later then 22:30; at 23:30 I let go of 'making it late' in in my head, and start finishing up the things I am busy with, so that I am ready to go to bed around 0:30.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to associate times of the day/night with past moments of when it was time for me to go to bed - either as a child or in later years.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to assess the lateness of an hour according to past memory moments, where it was time for me to sleep according to my mom.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously believe it is late at a certain time of the evening because it was the time I used to go to bed as a child and correspondingly as an adult for a period of time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to retain my mom's voice in my head of "it is now time for bed", and, "don't go to bed so late", and, "see that you sleep enough".
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to half-expect myself to be or become tired now or thinking it is a wonder that I'm not tired yet.

When and as I see myself relating to time in a way suggesting that I should be and/or become tired, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this relationship to specific points of time is based on past memory moments of my mom telling me to go to bed and/or suggesting that I should sleep enough and shouldn't go to bed so late. Instead I delete this reference toward particular points of time within me as it bears no relevance to reality and allow myself to consider my physical requirements for rest and sleep directly.

Also I have created a pattern of falling asleep over interviews and documentaries even though initially I'm not tired:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of falling asleep over interviews and documentaries even though I'm not tired initially.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resort to the idea I will take a break from focusing on an assignment or task for now and listen to an interview or watch a documentary for some relaxation - and then fall asleep over it because I let go inwardly and feel very comfortable physically.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in physical tension when I am busy with a task that requires more active engagement such as writing or even reading.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let go of my focus when I physically relax, so much so that I can then seemingly not keep awake for long.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself into a specific tension when focused and more actively engaged - such as when writing or reading - and being physically comfortable when taking a break. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to release the tension only when taking breaks and deciding to relax. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of falling asleep when I release the tension and relax, instead of maintaining a state of physical comfort when focused, and a focus when relaxing.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to mutually exclude focus and relaxation - it being either focus or relaxation (falling asleep).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand when I tell myself 'I can/will relax now' that it amounts to allowing myself to go to sleep because I had on some level equated focus with tension... 'intense focus' and without the tension there is also no focus.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that relaxing is not necessarily reclining, but that it may be useful to move the muscles and the body in a way that they are loosened.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I tell myself that I can/will relax now and watch a documentary or listen to an interview. I see, realize and understand that I have excluded focus from relaxation, where I have conditioned myself to maintain a certain tension in my body when focused, and when relaxed, this focus is not so readily available or maintainable at night. I see that this tension is released from the body when I relax and so I tend to get tired/fall asleep when I go into a more comfortable position. I commit to becoming more aware of the tension when I focus and allowing myself to breathe and relax the body. I see that the physical tires when tension has been maintained for a while and then released, so I stop the tensing up thus reducing the need for sleep. Also, I see that the allowance of sleep is also a statement of 'being done for now with the information' - so often relaxation might well be established by moving around a bit instead of reclining. I commit to investigating this as a solution in real-time.