Dienstag, 24. November 2015
I found that - within the construct I had created within and as the mind of wanting to be the better male when experiencing myself as the witness of a play-out between my dad and mom - I hadn't addressed my self-relationship with self-forgiveness within which I had to contend with a sense of obligation and resistance. Here is the releasing of the corresponding points:
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to speak self-forgiveness from a starting point of actually supporting myself for myself from my core beingness as life.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak sf with a sense of obligation and so with a sort of resistance and not really 'full-heartedly'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself being influenced by and come from the idea that I had to implement self-forgiveness because it was something that 'being a better male' would imply and call for - which resulted in this sense of obligation and resistance when saying sf.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to come from the idea that I was insufficient/inadequate as a self-judgment that I had projected as coming from my dad which I had to rectify with sf.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to prove to dad I was better than he thinks, be better than he himself, and also prove myself worthy of his regard - taking this as an aspect within my starting point for sf.
I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my mind had hijacked sf under the flag of this construct of having decided to be the better man fora woman.
I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the resistance within speaking sf pointed at the fact that I wasn't completely Here within and as sf and that something was to be aligned with my starting point.
I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this energy of resistance also held a disbelief that sf actually does something on the physical level.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let myself slip in moments where I could have supported myself within/as sf to a greater degree.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to utilize sf for a sort of redemption with respect to Dad, for getting dad's regard and acknowledgment.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to regard sf similar to a cleansing so as to be equal with him and so then be able to move within my life at all.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not even consider moving as life, but just to have a right to be as/within mind/personality in a limited way as projected onto dad as being constricted and limited by him.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project self-created limitations onto him.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak sf with a somewhat bad feeling, like rebelling against limitations set by an authority - as being the opinion he has of me of being 'a disappointment', and I cannot undo this and 'right' myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak sf within the energetic movement of challenging some authority, as if it was somehow forbidden.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak sf from the starting point of going against a bad conscience coming from the vague feeling of not having a right to free myself, as if I was then making him wrong in his mind set towards me and in this believing I was going against his whole being.
To be continued,
For context please read the previous post "I suppressed anger for stability and superiority". Here I am sharing the corrective steps I will take.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I notice someone getting angry at me. I see, realize and understand that I usually go into a suppression. I do not allow this, and instead I remain here in and as breath. I see, realize and understand that what I fear is my own reaction toward this anger, and in suppression I seek a form of stability that I usually perceive therein. So instead of seeking out this perceived but false stability, I (re)direct myself, breathe and allow myself to feel physical, to feel myself as the physical, to be Here.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I find myself unstable in the face of anger, in this initial moment when and as I see and realize the being in front of me is getting angry. I align myself with and stand as the physical and breathe.
I commit myself tostop and breathe when and as I see myself ready to participate in the judgment of someone who is angry and/or gets angry easily. I see, realize and understand that this constitutes a way to avoid taking responsibility for myself in directing myself to stand instead of participating in mind within/as this fear of my reaction as the instability when I face anger. I see, realize and understand that the blame and judgment I participate within/as is a projection of the blame and judgment I have for and of myself for not standing as who I actually am. So instead I breathe and stand in and as the physical here.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself at the point of challenging another to get them to react even to the point of risking anger. I see, realize and understand that I am participating in an energy of instability and discontent and am attempting at finding stability and direction in this perception of stability as a connection to a sort of energy containment that is compressed and feels hard- that I have confused with my real self/being - but which actually represents self-righteousness and superiority. I see, realize and understand that in these moments I do not fear the anger or specifically my anger reaction because I am the manipulator. I do not accept this and instead direct myself to see, realize and understand who I am in the moment.
Freitag, 20. November 2015
So recently I saw that I was still judging for his proclivity towards anger outbursts.
Here I am placing some self-forgiveness statements that stood out for me:
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have created myself within and as the construct of fear of anger being directed at me, where I react to anger and immediately go into the suppression of this reaction toward the anger. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what I do is: I fear my own reaction toward someone's anger, then I suppress this reaction, because this helps me find a perceived stability within myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this 'stability' is not actually real.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understood that my reaction toward someone's anger is actually causing/triggering a movement of instability within and as me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have wanted to face myself within and as this moment and movement of and as instability within and as me and direct myself within and as it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to make my self-relationship pertaining toanother's anger about the other, to judge him for being that way and not even looking at how that 'makes' me feel, but blaming him for 'the relationship he is creating'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not have seen, realized and understood that it I could have looked at the relationship I am creating within and towards my self - within the point of reacting towards anger within/as instability.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to inadvertently manipulate or challenge another and use the anger to perceive myself as stable in comparison to the anger-possessed other by suppressing the reaction and accessing the compounded energy containment as a point of perceived 'stability' self-relationship when and as I lose self-direction and contact to self.
Corrective statements will be placed in the next post.
Sonntag, 25. Oktober 2015
For context have a read of the blog post "671 - Anger and Impatience and what this has to do with the General in my Head". Here I am taking on the points that still stand out after some initial self-forgiveness while running my errands on the day this last post is referring to and giving myself direction on how I intend to change my self-relationship pertaining to them.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to ground myself with food especially after moments of self-compromise at school and with my parents, instead of seeing that this wasn't the solution in that I added to the separation from myself by not considering what the body needed - resulting in a feeling of discomfort and ill-ease which in turn resulted in self-loathing, self-dissatisfaction and often suppressed irritation and impatience.
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself craving food after moments of stress particularly self-compromise in school situations and/or authority figures similar to my parents. I see, realize and understand that I can in such moments support my body more by breathing and being Here in and as it than with food as I need to be here with the physical to see what kind of food is actually supportive and thus I am able to re-establish a feeling of comfort and satisfaction, of calm and ease.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cause consequences in myself by allowing self-compromises causing compensatory eating habits amounting to a resistance and self-loathing - so from there I didn't like to move and feel my body. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a feeling of 'being embarrassed' for my physical and become rather self-judgmental.
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself trying to compensate for consequences of self-compromise with food. I see, realize and understand that I am creating a self-relationship of loathing, resistance, self-judgment, embarrassment, irritation and anger, where I simply don't how I feel in my body when I move and am creating more of what I don't want. Also, within this, I realize that I have gathered an array of ideas of what foods comfort me and see that in moments of seeking grounding I go through these ideas as mental images to find a match - so it is like my mind craves the physical representation of food ideas as energy to sustain itself as the system. I stop this and such habits and take care to ground myself through breath/breathing first and see what the body actually needs and requires in such moments.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to polarize my beingness by implementing a General within me that I have vested with a control function over me to make sure that I do not miss relevant and oftentimes irrelevant points in order to avoid anger reactions directed at me - and as compensation allow myself this white flag of 'a right to indulge' that serves to counter the General's demands that I will call The Anti-Authoritarian - which very often create self-sabotage acts, such as avoidance or hiding from what is here through going for food, coffee, giving in to tiredness, seeking out comfortable over practical seating positions and the like.
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself giving heed to the General and/or The Anti-Authoritarian with the message of having the 'right to indulge'. I see, realize and understand that both are personifications from past experiences established in my teenage years and earlier. I see how they intensify a self-relationship of self-compromise and do not allow myself to feed them energy by heeding the thoughts as voices within and as me. I breathe and self-direct according to commonsense consideration of what is here within and without to thus allow myself as the being in oneness and equality with the physical.
Montag, 19. Oktober 2015
I went recycling today.
I noticed I was building up some impatience, almost anger.
It was not only the regular recycling stuff such as the bottles, plastic, old clothes. But also books I
couldn't sell and wanted to give away, dolls that I imagined I could bring there to have them be found by someone who would still want them, a retro-dress from my mom's youth that might do for Halloween (hehe), batteries and return bottles.
Also I planned to bring the laundry downstairs, bring out the garbage and the waste paper.
And take my daughter to the doc's.
Also I wanted to get something at the store and take some of that stuff to my other daughter's flat.
I had gotten everything ready in the corridor.
I was moving through the piles taking one after the other, either to the basement - right, there was also stuff I had wanted to get to the basement for quite some time, for example the locomotive engines with an array of tracks from my childhood - or to the washing machine, or to the car, or to the garbage containers.
Almost done I called to J we would leave in 5 minutes hoping she would help me with the final load even though she wasn't completely well. It turned out she didn't hear me...
I moved through the planned stations of clothes recycling-errands-more recycling-dropping off J - getting to K's flat - stopping for some odd grocery items. Finding myself on the way back again, I noticed some more of this impatience within me that seemed connected to the pain I have had in my rib cage since I had slipped and crashed onto the bath-tub rim. I decided to stop myself within the impatience and took a breath to see what I was actually experiencing. I felt this heaviness in my body. Underneath the ribs is the liver and I considered that it was irritated from the compression due to the fall. I felt irritated in a way too. Then I spoke some self-forgivenesses on what I was able to see in that moment. Now that I re-look at those moments I can see that who I had been toward myself the day before and in moments also the last days was steeped in irritation. Toward how I was experiencing myself in my body. Irritation, impatience and self-dissatisfaction. How on earth had I created this? Where is it coming from?
There's been a resistance to how the body feels. I don't like it. I don't like how I experience myself in it. It's like not liking myself in this whole physical experience. And having to move within it, and as it. I've been resisting this feeling of myself having to move as how my body feels. I remember such a feeling from my childhood. The resistance toward feeling my body moving and a dissatisfaction.
After another round of self-forgivenesses I was able to see and understand that in my childhood/youth years I had been trying to get grounded and here with me again by eating. Especially after moments of self-compromise in school and within family structures and situations. I wanted to feel comfortable with myself again. Often it turned out to be too much of the wrong foods. So having to move in that state was not pleasant and full of resistance, particularly with errands around the house I had to help with. So that's what resonated within me when dealing with the piles of stuff this morning! Those and such moments then were often of a kind of self-loathing and held a sort of self-embarrassment and projected anger at dad and actually anger at myself. But quickly suppressed obviously. This is not something I will further allow. Now I have to deal with it to finally support myself.
On the same note, I will deal with the other dimension that came into my awareness, namely the polarity which is part of the self-compromise I was living in those days and that still reverberates or even dominates my beingness: I found I had created a voice as a General that tells me what to do and another aspect that stands in polarity to it in form of indulgence, mostly in food, coffee and/or giving in to sleepiness. So, to most things I do on a daily basis I have created a 'homework attitude' which lies in the command of the General. And seemingly to balance out this rough edge of the self-relationship I seek out all kinds of comfort foods, coffee, breads and comfortable seating positions sometimes with a blanket and hot water bottle. It doesn't take long and in comes the sleepiness. Also, in the mornings there is the idea where I believe I have a right to 'this sleep' as if to spite all inner demands and commands. I'm definitely reliving a school-days pattern here. Mom telling me to sleep enough/go to bed early and the fear of dad to get me going for which I appointed the General.
This being written out I will direct the points in the next blog.