Freitag, 15. Mai 2015

661 Movement of Hardness as a Resistance - a Protection against Self-Abandonment

So I've allowed myself within a projection of H. standing outside of the police station and seeing me come out after work and projected him being astonished at my progress within life as/within the system of survival manifested as my current position at police HQ. I'll proceed to investigate.

With speaking some self-forgivenesses, the following realisations came up:

I see I am astonished at the success of my self-support and movements in the system
I see I had not trusted my self-support measures
I see that I had not allowed myself as / within a self-direction that embraces the potential of full success, that it will bring something substantive – and to fully trust myself within my efforts
I see the self-sabotage as the self-limitation I allowed within and as this stance

So M. placed the question where this lack of trust came from, so I looked into it further seeing it was related to the hardness – where the starting point has been ‘functioning’ – so I project onto H. the demand to function according to some rules (like with dad, I must function; I resist, but fear his reaction/anger) – so the starting point has been ‘functioning’ – doing what I must do / that what is asked of me – so a similar stance of where this feeling sensation of and as hardness against myself comesfrom/comes in, where I challenge myself, because I think I must – for something/someone.


Like fighting against myself in that hardening against myself because of having to function even within points of self-support/desteni – I go into resistance because I have a point of separation in myself / as myself that tells me what to do – an aspect of my dad; like fighting against myself/the resistance I have because someone tells me to (even if it is projected) and doing it because I wouldn’t be able to survive if I didn’t – so I am not working for me within my full potential

So even if the motivation of the person pushing me (dad) was within self-interest, I could have taken the situation/point as full self-support to go into my full potential/to embrace the situation – but instead I allowed the resistance, the hardness against myself in doing what was here/what the situation/person demanded – so I drop the resistance and hardness that is a bleed-through/an energy seepage from past moments into now as the Here - as something that is Here – wherein I project the demand, the necessity to do something outside of myself and the motivation becomes a compliance with what must be done – instead of the allowance of substantiation of my self as the beingness as life

CC Image Source
So do I protect myself from some fear by doing so? Fear of abandoning myself to demands = resistance (I resist the demands for fear of totally abandoning myself to external forces) and I comply due to the fear of being abandoned

The hardness is a protection mode against abandoning myself – so it is to see that I am not abandoning myself but actually assisting myself one and equal – take / embrace the situation as full self-support to go into my full potential to substantiate my self as the beingness as life

 So here I script the correction of and for myself which I commit to walking:


When and as I see myself in resistance, in a hardness within/as myself, in the attempt to walk a point, to take this on, to challenge myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that there is fear of abandoning myself when I comply to the inner demand of challenging the point and thus the conflict of abandoning myself against being abandoned. Thus I allow myself to embrace the situation as me-Here, as and within full self-support into and as my fullest potential to substantiate my self as the beingness as life. I see, realize and understand the point of the fear of abandon – where I was placing ‘a ban’ as ‘a band’ around myself that made it ‘hard’ for me to ‘do’ it for my self, so I had it ‘done with’/tried to get it over with as a point of self-abandonment, where I was not Here with and for myself. So I move myself Here, aligning my starting point to Me-Here, embrace myself as/within self-trust, and fully support myself from awkwardness as the backwardness/back-handedness/awe-based-ness to awesomeness as/within my full potential.

Donnerstag, 14. Mai 2015

660 Discovering the awe within awkwardness and the role of embarrassment

So within the Structural Resonance Alignment Course I am doing, I was looking at the point of the self-belief I had coming up once in a while as being awkward within certain situations Seeing this belief within me, I attempted to source the points associated to it - to see who I am underneath and behind it all - according to how this part of the course assignment was laid out. So it was suggested to look at memories that come up pertaining to the point under investigation. So here is one particular memory that surfaced together with the charge that I had attached to it:

Memory of stepping on the person's foot when hugging the being - embarrassment


CC image source
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge a moment with the emotion of and as embarrassment and use it to validate the I am statement of being awkward. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the energy of and as embarrassment to have power over me, where I am recharging past moments by judging myself as being awkward in more recent moments and thus conditioning me into being awkward in such and similar future moments, instead of allowing myself to be real in seeing, realizing and understanding the simple fact ‘I stepped on his foot when I hugged him’, which is not a problem. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is something that shouldn’t happen, because this will make a bad impression, or does not look lady-like – where, if one were to make a film of it, I would be depicted as awkward and clumsy. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to the words awkward and clumsy and desire lightness and elegance to be able to define myself with this positive feature –creating for myself a trap within all of it so I don’t see where I am in a moment/who I am in such moments, which means not allowing myself to see that I am in separation from myself in the moment of and as ‘awkwardness’ and not really in my body as the physical, here.

I commit to, when and as I see myself within and as moments of perceived awkwardness and pursuant embarrassment, stop myself from going into embarrassment, but instead to breathe, look at what the source of the moment of awkwardness is within and as me, what I had allowed in the moment leading to and resulting in the perception of awkwardness. I see, realize and understand the word awkward to have the roots of awk = back-handed; in the wrong direction – implying I have not allowed myself as and within self-direction and that there was a point of self-dishonesty (back-handedness), where I was in separation from myself in such a moment. I commit to investigating such moments of separation, what I had allowed myself to separate myself into and as, like the idea of being a certain, specific way toward the being and/or moving in a certain way to manifest the embrace, coming from the mind instead of physical self-expression in the moment of and as embracing/the embrace. I commit to allowing me as the physical to express an embrace and moving with the physical breath by breath wherein the grace of life lies, the moment of and as physical expression as self-expression.

I asked myself when and how I went into separation, at which point of walking up to him I had allowed this within me. There was a movement of ‘taking this on’, of intending to go to the ‘Thermen’ with him and exposing myself to him. I realized I was projecting the point of ‘taking it on’ onto him as the trigger for this challenge, making him responsible for what was to come, what I was about to look at. I see this as a point of hardness against myself – where also the point of and as “awkwardness” as defined in etymonline.com (in the year 1788) as “social embarrassment” comes in – where I fear feeling socially embarrassed by being half-naked, but being “hard” against myself pushing myself to face it. A memory/past moment comes up of having to join a gathering/people with my dad, where I as a smaller child was told to join instead of sulking/retreating, where I felt such a hardness in me toward/within going to face the gathered people, there might have been tears the adults witnessed and commented on/reacted to when seeing me, making me feel embarrassed. So there was this moment of hardness I had shifted into when anticipating meeting M. at the airport, shaking it off for the moment (suppressing it) as the resolution “I will face this/me within and as this at the Therme”. This hardness was expressed in the embrace as the stepping onto his foot, the awkwardness, as the fear of social embarrassment projected onto M. as “the reason I have to” as with dad.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a “hardness” within and as myself when deciding to challenge myself within/as a point of social interaction. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this point of challenging myself and/or facing myself within/as social interaction, and the fear of social embarrassment and/or embarrassment per se onto the other as him being the reason for this challenge. Within this, I am able to see, realize and understand the dimension of blame, anger and back-chat that can result from allowing this point to exist within/as me and accumulate, as it did with my dad and a former relationship of mine. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blame, back-chat and anger at someone by allowing myself to project onto the person he was the reason I am having to do something that I resist doing, such as facing myself in social situations and interactions. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassment and judgment, and being seen within a ‘weak point’. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from so-called weak points, instead of seeing these as points of and as self-judgment – which I herewith commit to directing myself as and within to align myself with the physical pertaining to and as them. I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this manifestation of and as the “hardness” toward and within myself also affected the way I speak in moments where there is the fear of embarrassing myself within what I see as a certain type of social interaction, where speech is not rounded, but in fact a bit jerky, which is sometimes also the case when I don’t see the big picture but am groping forward half expecting myself not being able to get everything here to express it. I commit to sourcing the respective points of separation within and as me when and as I see myself “in a jerky speech mode” and self-forgive the point in real-time to substantiate myself as the beingness within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t realized the fear point within the awkwardness, the awe as the initial sound of/as awkwardness, where the hardness against myself is the facing of the fear from the starting point of doing it within a resistance that is projected, that is becoming the resistance against the person I do it for and because of - instead of aligning the starting point with me/the physical, wherein I want to, and open myself up to, seeing me as the beingness, for myself, here.


I commit to releasing myself from and as the pattern I sometimes access of challenging myself for the other, instead of me-Here - where I go into a hardness within me when deciding to face something, where the hardness is liable to become an awkwardness due to the fear, because the starting point is not aligned, and the awkwardness can manifest in my mode of speaking, as jerkiness; whereby this pattern is also liable to expand into blame, back-chat and anger. I see, realize and understand the beginning and the end of the pattern and commit to stopping myself within and as it in one moment.

Samstag, 2. Mai 2015

659 “Out there” is the illusion of creation. So I create the self-expression that is me. (4)

Please refer to the previous posts starting with 656 "The thought shows this to me, so I must be what the thought shows me." for context.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the ego of the mind to be accepted or appreciated by others, to fit in.

Desteni Artists

I commit to stopping myself in and as the desire to be accepted and as a consequence to change myself within my behavior and constantly try to assess if I am acceptable in the eyes of others, if I fit in or am being appreciated by them. I see, realize and understand that my starting point is within and as separation from who I am as and within the physical. Instead I allow myself to be here in simplicity and humility toward life in and as the physical.


I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego of the mind, because I have not yet accepted me as who I am.

I commit to a starting point of accepting myself as who I am as the physical, because I see, realize and understand that from here I am able to change my self-relationship and my inner reality so as to be able to change situations and experiences therein by changing my direction as the choices I make.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within/as me because of accepting and allowing myself to participate in the ego of the mind.

I commit to stopping myself as the mind and aligning myself with and as the physical by looking at the points within myself that I have separated myself within and from into/as the mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the nature of ego as the self-defined nature of ‘who I am’.

I commit to sourcing all the points of participation, self-identification and self-definition of and as ego back to self.


I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize to what extent I compromise myself by accepting and allowing myself to participate in the self-defined nature as the ego of the mind to impress others, because I am not living and applying self-honesty as me in entirety with respect to my body shape.

I commit to stopping the limitation and self-compromise I have allowed by defining and judging myself according to standards as pictures in the mind, where I try to make a certain impression on others pertaining to the body or body parts.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being self-honest with me and in this fear I compromise me and then exit as the ego of the mind to hide my fear and then attract others into my world within which I will manifest the experience of self-compromise, to show myself how I am compromising myself and the consequences that go with self-compromise.

I see, realize and understand that I had been compromising myself within and as this fear of self-honesty as also within the fear I’m self-dishonest, because I was hiding it within me with the consequence of creating an environment of hiding and interlocking self-compromise as the reflection of and as my inner self-relationship.

I see, realize and understand the point of self-honesty being the necessity to remain here in breath, to not go into accessing pictures and ideas of and as the mind, to prevent myself from going into energy, and when and as I do access energy, to stop myself by breathing and remaining here within my physical body. I investigate the trigger as soon as I am stable. 

I see, realize and understand the fear of self-honesty being a self-sabotage system where I as the mind create energy in a subtle way to prevent myself from effectively stopping the energy creation that the mind consciousness system needs to survive, and by my allowing and accepting it do so, it receives the energy it needs and prevents the stopping of it. 

I see, realize and understand the self-compromise within and as this. I commit to slowing down to breath to be able to spot this subtle energy of fear of the self-honesty, which is the starting point for self-forgiveness. 

Within this, thus, when and as I see myself accessing an idea or picture representation of how my breasts look, I stop and breathe. I stop the fear of walking through this point and access a point of silence within me by breathing. I see the energy for what it is: a point of self-dishonesty as the accessing of a picture within my mind, which I had created as a polarity picture to one that represents my idea of ‘standard/normalcy’ and which I had identified with pertaining to certain body parts. I delete the picture by forgiving the charges I attached to them. - 


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to charge a picture of my breasts that I hold in my mind negatively. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to identify with the picture in my mind, not seeing, realizing and understanding the physical oneness and equality with all of existence where the mind is showing me an energetic interpretation of reality in/as a point of separation from my Self, Here in/as the physical. 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand the charge of despair that I had attached to and accumulated with respect to this picture image of and as the mind and how I create an alienation to myself as the physical particularly toward my breasts. 

I release the charge and delete the image, I breathe, and allow myself within/as self-expression as the physical. When and as shame comes up, I stop and breathe. I see the points I have written about as the fear of change and fear of loss of the control over the man and the fear for survival, the pride and my choice and commitment to humility. I see, realize and understand the separation into and as the energy and step through it, as I real-eyes it is not real.


I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that self-compromise exists within this point because I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with me, that self-compromise originates with self-honesty. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to question my body and thus separate myself from my body, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this to be the first instance of self-compromise pertaining to myself as the body.

I see, realize and understand that by questioning my body I separated myself from it and allowed myself within and as self-compromise. I commit to stop myself within and as any and all points of separation from my body and direct the self-compromise as the points that have accumulated from the separation and bring myself as-them to a one and equal alignment with the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences for which I am responsible because of my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within me pertaining to the idea I have of certain particular body parts and their shape and form.

When and as I see myself within the situation of having to face the consequences I have allowed to accumulate within and as myself pertaining to ideas I formed of certain particular body parts and their shape and form, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am not this idea. I see that I had allowed myself to question myself as the body form and shape and that I had thus opened myself up to and as the pattern of comparing myself to others’ figures and shapes of body parts and formed ideas around them, thus creating separation, where the idea of them being a certain particular way became more than physical reality with the consequence of self-disempowerment. I commit to continue to have a look at the discrete points of separation and projection that this idea is made up of. I commit to stopping myself from entering this idea of the body form and shapes of individual parts by overlaying the idea over the physical reality of and as them.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to having created a feeling of discomfort within myself-as the body by overeating and/or not eating the right kinds of foods that would have been supportive for me as the physical body and thus create a situation of self-compromise and accumulated consequences. I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I created the proclivity to separate myself from my body, namely by trying to compensate instabilities within and as my self-relationship pertaining to various points within my environment with food.

I commit to cross-reference food choices and amounts with my body as-me, so as to direct myself within urges/promptings/thoughts of and as the mind. I see, realize and understand the necessity to support myself within the ingestion of only the appropriate kinds and amounts of food, to ensure the optimal support of myself as the physical for optimal well-being. I see, realize and understand that my relationship to my body will improve as and when I really allow myself to be here for the physical, with being here in and as the physical.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and hide my self-dishonesty and what goes on inside me through trying and/or attempting to convince myself in my mind as thought that I am not lost within such points of body shape, but rather more aware of them than others.

I commit to self-honesty pertaining to my self-relationship with the body by committing to a process of bringing myself back into and as the physical by breathing and placing my starting point here. I see, realize and understand that I am not more aware of the body when I’m already in an emotional, self-judgmental state due to reactions towards it resulting from comparisons to picture images of and as the mind and/or people in my environment.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-dishonesty and self-deceit and because of this fear, I try and hide what I have become within me from others ‘in hope’ that they will not see what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I commit to revealing to myself the points of self-dishonesty and self-deceit to be able to stand clear within myself and as myself pertaining to my body. I see, realize and understand that I have projected such points of self-dishonesty and deceit onto others in my environment as a point of shame towards them, with it in actuality being ashamed of myself for not having cared for my body appropriately and thus compromised and abused it and myself within and as it. I commit to cross-referencing and continual rapport with my physical to support myself as the body.


To be continued.