Dienstag, 27. Januar 2015

637 – I Must Keep up the Pretense





Prompted as to which kind of role-play I liked to engage in when I was little, I set off on an investigative journey in which I walked a multiplicity of my mind’s timelines in writing. This process revealed quite a few fascinating points, which I intend to share here in the format of the self-forgiveness I walked, together with the self-corrective statements. The most pertinent belief that became obvious to me was the idea that I had to keep up a particular specific pretense to maintain the benefit that the respective situation I was in presented to me. Here goes…


Pretenses (CreativeCommons)


Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live within and as the belief ‘I must keep up the pretense to maintain the benefit’ and thus produce the logic of ‘I am responsible for the child, and the food production’ within a role distribution – so I am able to maintain my desire to stay at home and benefit from the situation as/within the relationship set-up within a family. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create similar set-ups based on this starting point in work, where I would try and fill a role/idea of how to be, behave and perform, instead of basing my actions on common sense, self-trust and self-expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harbor the trigger point within and as me of fearing ‘going out there’ and from that creating the polarity point of and as desire to stay at home or hold a benefit from a situation I am in, where I am able to avoid or limit this fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to assert a role separation in which there is ample space for secret mind activities where I don’t have to explain ideas that I want to persecute and I don’t have to interact or exchange and communicate in an intimate way, thus to minimize the possibility of anyone contradicting or intruding. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide within and behind such roles – separating myself from myself and living self dishonestly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to produce the consequence of living within and as pretense so as to not endanger a comfort zone.

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that with the starting point of fear and the resulting pretense within/as the role distribution I had lost sight of who I am and, in the unfolding and reinforcing, I created nervousness, uncertainty and insecurity, relinquishing self-expression by not communicating honestly, by compromising my behavior, manipulating self and others and sabotaging myself by in fact physically creating the fear as nervousness that I had decided to believe in at the beginning of this self-creation point. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is the fear I accessed within and as me that ‘demanded’ I hold onto the pretense within/as the role/role-distribution, the fakeness of self in such moments to embrace the desire as the benefit and positive polarity of this self-created system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by making myself believe that the fear of ‘going out there’ is real within this initial role play and to build on this remembered moment as if it were a valid reflection of how reality is and let it determine my relationship to reality as there is no ‘out there’ only reality/existence here – me-Here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to construct and manipulate my perception of reality in a way that I actually showed and proved myself that this fear is real, by reacting with tension within myself in situations ‘out there’ with other people – anticipating that they expect a specific behavior of me where I am not certain of the underlying rules or parameters. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tie a fear of inciting anger or judgment in someone by being straightforward and direct without pre-reflection.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as the experience of self-sabotage by separating myself from the words/expression ‘out there’ creating an idea from them as going ‘out there’ because ‘I have to survive’ - attaching a negative emotion to it. Within that, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the desire of staying at home that constitutes the polarity application of this idea of going out there– where I reinforce the original fear and validate it by finding and defining a responsibility that holds me in place – in this application of the polarity placement of and as ‘staying at home. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the polarity of and as ‘out there’ in the system and ‘staying at home’ and attribute roles to the respective responsibilities, that hold the polarity ends apart by way of a self- defined, but uncommunicated demarcation line and creates a perceived security. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as a design of self-sabotage as an outflow of the idea of pretense I created around seeing my brother in his role that we agreed on when playing as kids and attaching onto this perception a rejection of the role – separating myself from myself as this aspect of the game - and eventually adding negative charges of fear to the role that I then regularly reinforced and validated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn a belief of a role that my brother played into a pattern of avoiding activities that I associated with ‘out there in the system, where one’s role it is to earn money’. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a physical feeling and energetic movement that can be described as ‘a sinking movement’ from my chest into my stomach region when considering ‘going out there in the system and earning money’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that allowing myself to indulge in the fear of having to go out there to survive in the system means validating this fear. Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear touches on the fear of not filling a role appropriately/having to pretend and play a role/having someone judge me, reacting to me or getting angry at me – all created in and as consequence to my designating a role within a game of ‘family’ to my brother as a male – where I in the process associated my dad’s reactions toward me to males and associated ‘going out there into the system’ with coping with such and similar reactions in the system framework of interacting more with others in such a role through accepting this role for myself on the basis of pretense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself with respect to the topic I created myself as, towards and within being ‘going out there and surviving in the system’ by establishing a relationship of inferiority towards the system and projecting the polarity point of and as superiority onto it and the males within/as it - making the point of pretending/pretense the modality I use in my application and making it my starting point instead of trusting myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I was manipulating myself and others into participating in a polarity system of a role relationship from which I can realize a benefit – my comfort zone – a system within which I am able to project everything I reject and have separated myself from, pertaining to ‘going out there’ and ‘survival’ and ‘the system’ onto the other, onto the male and roles I associated to a male role.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others into participating in a polarity system of a role relationship from which I can realize a benefit which is my comfort zone within and as a role of fulfilling a more or less defined responsibility whereas the other ‘interacts with the system out there’.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in a ‘out there’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is only me-Here and from this misperception, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into ‘out there’ and ‘me’.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to split myself and project myself into and as roles that are mind dominated and trenched in self-judgment, self-constraint and feedback-interpretations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘out there’ is avoidable, when this amounts to trying to avoid myself by setting up a system of roles and responsibilities and projecting everything outside of my comfort zone into and as ‘out there’ and making that someone else’s responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I was not being honest with myself in trying to ignore parts of myself as my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the I am statement of ‘I am responsible for the kids and for food preparation’ amounts to a limited statement of and as self in opposition to and as demarcation to ‘being/going out there’ and embracing all points of me, all points of self-relationship I didn’t want to investigate and align with myself as and within life.


Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself within backchat based on role distributions, such as me having this particular responsibility and the other that, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I’m coming from the belief ‘I must keep up the pretense to maintain the benefit’ and thus produce the logic of ‘I am responsible for the child, and the food production’ within a role distribution, or other defined areas – so I am able to maintain my desire to stay at home and benefit from the situation as/within the relationship set-up within a family, for example, or another ‘benefit’ – wherein I see, realize and understand that I am dishonest with myself and trying to maintain a sense of security and comfort within separation from myself. I commit to taking responsibility for what I am rejecting within what the other role represents by embracing these responsibilities and allowing self-expression within and as these aspects of myself.

When and as I see myself trying to fill a role at work and see myself judging myself in this attempt, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I’m coming from an idea of how to be, behave and perform within/as the starting point of fear of judgment, anger, reactions from memories of my dad which I had interpreted as judgments of myself, where I now see that it reflected back to me my own relationship with myself as self-judgment and separation. I commit to aligning myself pertaining to this point of self-judgment by investigating where I stand within it all in reality and what aspects are practical to be acquired and then walk the process necessary to establish them within and as me without participating in any energy movements around the learning process. I stop allowing a self-relationship that is debasing and self-diminishing. Instead I practice self-direction to establish self-trust, and self-expression together with commonsense communication.

When and as I see myself participating in the fear and/or resistance of ‘going out there’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that from there I am liable to continue on to participating in the polarity point of and as desire to stay at home and/or try and hold a benefit from a situation I am in, where I am able to avoid or limit this fear, instead of realizing that the fear is not real and simply based within memories and associations of the pretenses inherent in role-play - where I didn’t actually know what the person whose behavior within a role was to be mimicked was really doing – and thus the desire to stay at home was only a polarity point created to avoid the fear is not authentic, it’s just a projection as a way out, a method of avoidance. So I realize the resistance/fear of ‘going out there’ is a fear of not knowing exactly what is expected, and what to do, what the ‘role’ entails – so I commit to clarifying this either by investigating, asking the responsible person or using/writing out the correspondng rational commonsensical points.

When and as I see myself trying to hold onto a role and/or a certain particular personality that fills the role, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the endeavor of holding onto a role distribution is liable to be a way to ensure being able to ‘do my thing’ without having to communicate and share, exchange information and interact – a way of hiding. Instead I commit to self-investigation as to whether I am in it/the idea/the project etc. for the energy, or securing a benefit within a situation – taking the perceived ‘easy way’ so to not have to explain myself or the project and similar issues. I commit to taking responsibility for tendencies within and as me to hold myself back from communicating and sharing by hiding behind roles and defined responsibilities as a justification for seclusion, secret mind participation and avoiding explaining and having to answer questions.

When and as I see myself participating in a role/personality within family/relationships/work, I stop and breathe. I allow myself to self-express. I see, realize and understand that utilizing a role to not endanger a comfort zone has the starting point of fear. I commit to realigning my starting point and to trust myself to communicate what is here.

I see, realize and understand that with the starting point of fear and the resulting pretense within/as the role distribution I had lost sight of who I am and, in the unfolding and reinforcing, I created nervousness, uncertainty and insecurity, relinquishing self-expression by not communicating honestly, by compromising my behavior, manipulating self and others and sabotaging myself by in fact physically creating the fear as nervousness that I had decided to believe in at the beginning of this self-creation point. I commit to checking my starting point when I realize I am getting nervous/uncertain/insecure and understand that I’m not breathing and self-expressing, but trying to play a role that I have no real idea of and pretending – thus I commit to self-honesty in communication, instead of trying to manipulate myself and others and sabotaging myself.

I see, realize and understand the desire as the benefit and the fear of going out there/communicating/working go together. I commit to not feeding this system any more energy. There is no ‘out there’ – only reality, existence, me-here.

When and as I see myself tensing up in situations with other people, I stop to breathe. I see, realize and understand making my fear real to me, constructing and manipulating and reinforcing my perception of reality by anticipating that they expect a specific behavior of me where I am not certain of the underlying rules or parameters. I realize that I am responsible for what is going on within and as me and so I stop anticipations and projections to that end. I focus on breathing and my chest area, slightly turning my chin inward toward the chest. I realize how my breath flows down into my lungs and I physically feel grounded within and as my body.

When and as I am about to be straightforward and direct and a fear comes up, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that a fear arising of a possible ‘negative’ reaction coming from the person addressed or from within a group tells me that I now have the chance to decide that I will let go of participations in memories where I would otherwise recharge them - thus I see that the fear is not real, but attached to past moments, where I interpreted situations as threatening. Also I see, realize and understand that it is cool to check my starting point so I do not come from within an energy state. I commit to a non-participation policy pertaining to such and similar fears and allow myself to trust myself within and as frankness, directness and straightforwardness.
I see that ‘going out there’ is not something that has to do with my attached emotions of fear of survival - it is only an indication of where one goes. I do not allow any self-sabotage by negative emotions to the wording and thus recreating fear of survival every time I use it.

When and as I see myself about to access the desire of staying at home, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is just the polarity end of ‘going out there’ with how I have associated the word. I do not allow myself to access this desire and thus recharge the fear of survival ‘out there’ construct. I see that I used responsibilities that I defined role-specific to staying at home that were declared as mine, at least in my mind, to avoid a part of me that would interact ‘out there’ – thus not allowing myself to see who I am ‘out there’ and thus sabotaging and trapping myself. I have begun to stop this and I commit to stopping all refractions of this desire each time it presents itself.

I see, realize and understand that this desire of staying at home is part of a security and fear of survival construct which I would be charging as soon as and whenever I participate in the desire and act on it.

I see, realize and understand that I created myself into and as a design of self-sabotage as an outflow of the idea of pretense I created around seeing my brother in his role that we agreed on when playing as kids by rejecting his role and fearing what it entailed and later symbolized as inherent to the system and earning money on a basis of pretense – where I even created a physical feeling reaction as the sinking movement from my chest to my stomach region when considering ‘going out there in the system and earning money’.

I do not allow myself to validate this fear of going out there to earn money by indulging in it – specifically by thinking of not having filled or filling my role appropriately, because I ‘had to pretend’, or believing I would have to pretend – using the starting point of not having the appropriate means or knowledge, not being prepared and such. I align my starting point to stand as self-trust – a choice I commit to in one breath. I commit to practicing being here in/as self-expression. I see that the fear of being judged reinforces the tension – which is already hinted at within the word ‘pre-tense’ – thus I see that I am creating tension by stepping into this pretense construct of believing I am pretending and have to do so. I commit to stopping myself as the idea of having to pretend to fulfill roles; I commit to stopping myself within and as the act of pretending; I commit to stopping myself as and within the fear of judgment; I commit to stopping myself as and within the fear of not having the appropriate knowledge or means or preparation, but instead use commonsense to get the preparation that is most likely required. I commit to stopping myself when and as I see I’m associating my dad’s reactions to males in general , certain specific males whose personality is like my dad’s, to males in specific situations where it is about achievement. I commit to stopping tensing myself up when it comes to achievement, as I see, realize and understand that achievement means ‘bringing to an end’ – and I have often proven to myself that I am able to bring things to an end. Adding to this as the aspired positive value attached to achievement, I commit to live achievement as ‘bringing things to an end that is best for all’.

I see that I have built a relationship of inferiority towards the system and made the system and males within it ‘bigger’ and more powerful than me, where I utilized pretense and role-play to try and manage. I commit to equalizing myself to all these points of separation and polarity by stopping myself within and as the starting point of inferiority and realigning myself accordingly with respect to self-expression and self-trust.

I see that I manipulated myself and others into roles where I can stay within my comfort zone – my ‘benefit’.  I stop distributing and defining roles with such a starting point because I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging and trapping myself. I trust myself and allow myself to see who I am ‘out there’ participating with existence-as-me – as there is on out there but only a me-here.

I see, realize and understand that I split myself and projected myself into and as roles that are mind dominated and trenched in self-judgment, self-constraint and feedback-interpretations. I commit to stopping and bringing me back here within and as breath when and as I see myself judging and constraining myself, and allowing myself to interpret others’ reactions for feedback to base self-judgment on.

I see that I have tried to ignore parts of me by placing myself into my comfort zone. I commit to putting myself ‘out there’ in moments where the desire of remaining at home in my comfort zone appears on the horizon -  which is me in non-routine situations - so I expand into embracing all points and aspects of me to investigate who I am and able to be and thus align myself as and within life.


Montag, 26. Januar 2015

636 – My Cherished Routine






Within the framework of the DesteniIProcess Course I’ve been working on a point that seemed inconspicuous at first: “Males interrupt my routine”. It is a belief I wasn’t aware of existed as this particular specific statement. Yes, there were moments I joked with my girls about males not blending in into our routine, into the companion relationship we’ve developed, but on the other hand, it didn’t seem to be a big deal, I mean, I simply cherish my comfort zone, the nice and quiet routines within the home, no disturbances, no noise, no displays of anger … So here, the way the assignment was laid out, this belief was became evident in this particular diction. Following the instructions, I laid out the thoughts, memories and reactions that constituted the creation of this statement. The establishment of this belief turned out to revolve around the two males in my life who have time and again proven to have had a lot of influence on my self-relationship, and my desire for some sort of quiet routine, time spent with myself or in a harmonious exchange with someone close. So here I will share the self-forgiveness that flowed from the memory moments that the assignment prompted. The self-forgiveness neutralizes the reaction triggers within and as the program that I had created through my allowances and acceptances, so there needs to be a corrected version, something to go by after deleting the original program, so in the conclusion of this post I will be placing the self-corrective statements.



Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as the entry point of ‘males interrupt my routine’ by perceiving and judging it to be nice ‘without the TV’ on, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am separating myself from sound by indirectly judging the sound of the TV as negative by stating within me that it’s nice without the TV. I see, realize and understand that the entry point is the judgment of and as ‘without’ something/someone particular = positive.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify and support my judgment by reasoning that ‘normally Dad watches TV in this room’ and ‘when Dad is in this room he watches TV’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as a consequence I am beginning to associate Dad with the noise of the TV which is the polarity of the niceness of sitting ‘without the TV’, which makes the situation one of ‘nice without Dad’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am creating the situation as self-sabotage by enjoying the quietness as the polarity end of noisiness of the TV and associating the TV with Dad and making Dad the person to blame, to get angry with, to judge, to try to be superior to – for interfering with my ‘routine’ (of having some quiet time). I see the self-creation process.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and enter the trigger point of and as ‘Dad about to turn the TV on’, where I am leaving all common sense behind and reacting with irritation/annoyance/anger inside of me and judgment, blame and eventually spite/resistance.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am accessing superiority when considering Dad as preferring TV over some quiet time without TV, where I don’t want/need the noise of the TV and am somehow superior due to that.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that he will watch TV again and thus create the polarity of the positivity of quietness within me as the negativity that is now in my mind.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to him getting restless and reinforce the idea that he wants to do something like turning on the TV.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn my attention to his body movements interpreting them as feeling uncomfortable instead of seeing my growing discomfort within and as me wherefrom I had separated myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn my attention to his body movements interpreting them as feeling uncomfortable instead of seeing my own growing discomfort within and as me wherefrom I had separated myself.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all this while I had been creating a problem of the situation instead of remaining open and here to allow for the living of a solution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret a starting point of and as self-defense into his words, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was making him into a person who sees that he has a point of ‘going too far’ that he has to defend, thus preparing/creating the idea that he is going too far, for which he is to blame.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe to have detected a hint of accusation in his voice where I am creating a point that I have to defend, which I am acting on by resisting getting up from the sofa, showing my superiority by pretending the whole instance is not worth budging, like ‘his reactions don’t move me’/’his reactions have nothing to do with me’/’I don’t care enough to leave’, thus spiting him - but blaming him for interrupting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to decide to follow an idea of quiet routine as something with a positive charge, thus creating the fear of not having this and reinforcing it by observing the time passing while he wasn’t getting up and out of the house, so I would be in the state of ‘without’ – ‘without a man around’, someone around to disturb me and interfere with my routine at home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with disappointment and a slight depression on hearing that he will stay at home and it will not be my routine of it being quiet.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of the belief that males interrupt/interfere with my routine of whatever ‘positive’ thing I am desiring, instead of seeing how and when I do that and how the self-sabotage looks like as the trapping of myself within a mind state that is not self-directive but a program that is running on its own with my acceptance and allowance of its individual program lines that I have constantly validated and reinforced by perceptions and interpretations – with the result of having created self-sabotage = me in the mind as my quiet routine and the conflict of not being able to enjoy it thus a trap between desire and fear instead of self-direction, living self-expression here.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become the creation point where the experience of quietude manifested into the polarized experience of the word ‘routine’, where I had associated routine with an inner quietude and making it dependent on being alone without someone particular around – thus I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself see, realize and understand that the way I have lived the word routine, as an experience, required the exclusion of particular other people – thus the separation within me from the points these particular others represented to me, which constitute the trigger points for this self-sabotage creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the living solution to such inner reactions and self-creations as self-sabotage through how I lived the word ‘routine’ and setting myself up for the belief that ‘males interfere with my routine’ – where the trigger is the thoughts and emotions I allow when there is some instance that ‘demands priority’ and is to be directed while I am within my ‘routine’ that signifies inner quietude (but is of energetic/experiential nature) because it is dependent on a certain external framework that renders the inner quietude to be artificially created and not stable, here, as me.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I had created (myself within and as) a mind system, an artificial framework of and as ‘the routine’/’inner quietude’ which I want to uphold, wherein particular instances that particular people have come to represent are given the potential to upset it.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to me that my self-created system is real and something I actually AM and it is only due to the interference that I cannot hold the inner quietude.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a system of blame, resistance and judgment, and ultimately superiority, where everyone and everything can be interpreted to be the ‘interfering agent’.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have to investigate this word/system of ‘routine’ as ‘inner quietude’ that I made dependent of external quietude, not seeing that the non-triggering of inner reactions make up my inner quietude, which is not a ‘stable beingness quietude’, not an absence of points that can be triggered within and as me, but only the absence of external triggering factors. So by making something outside of me the interfering agent and condemning it, I want to divert my attention to the triggering agent/person/thing instead of seeing the illusion of the ‘routine’/’inner quietude’ which is just a secluded compartment I inhabit at times pushing parts of me aside in an attempt at stability.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be unaware of pushing parts of me aside to create this ‘routine of inner quietude’ and then react to such points when they manifested externally as behaviors and actions of others.

I forgive myself that I hadn’t allowed myself to see that I take these reactions of others personally because they are the equivalent to the points of separation within and as me, those points I push aside to create the illusion of ‘routine’/’inner quietude’. And by irritation, blame, judgment, superiority I make it about them, not me. It is showing me what is here that I had been trying to ignore, which needs to be directed within and as me. I stop this cycle of hiding from these points and making myself believe it is the interferer when the interferer is the choice I make of not directing the point in the very moment it presents itself within and as me, but push it aside creating a separation within/as me.


Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself judging a moment as nice because the TV is off when in the company of males, I stop and breathe. I see the construct around males wherein I had separated myself into and as points of superiority, blame, judgment, fear of the disruption of a ‘nice quietude’, where I am placing an idea on how a moment should be over another (quiet or noisy/loud) and limiting myself in and as these ideas.

I see how I pick up and follow the reasoning in my mind within observations about a person forming associations to the person in a way to validate beliefs and self-definitions to the end that I do not have to change, ‘because I am right’. I see the self-sabotage in this and reverse engineer this patterned behavior so as to support myself and direct myself to stand one and equal within and as reality/the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting to the observation that Dad or someone is about to turn the TV on, I stop and breathe. I see that I had created this as the trigger point within me toward some sort of interference of ‘quiet moments’ – where I have to check myself if I had valued these as positive and lived them as an experience within and as energy as a separate and secluded compartment within/as myself where I had pushed other points away and suppressed them for a while, instead of being here in and as the moment and ready and prepared to direct them as they come up. I see that I am in this moment able to prevent further reactions by breathing and realizing the connection to the formed belief as (particular) ‘males interfering with my routine’, where I have associated this with an interruption of inner quietude, instead of realizing that this was not real when it could so easily be destabilized. I commit to breath in such moments and focus on the real stability in and as my physical body.

When and as I see myself judging Dad or someone else as preferring TV over some quiet time, I stop and breathe. I see that I am reinforcing a self-definition as a point of superiority. I breathe, realize that I am separating myself from me-here by judging quiet moments as positive and louder moments as negative, and defining myself as superior for liking quiet moments more, which I see, realize and understand is a residue from old self-definitions as me-moving-toward higher vibrations. I release myself from such self-limiting definitions and stop all judgment of and as such moments and others pertaining to them.

When and as I see myself about to participate in a fear of a being interfering with my ‘routine’ and/or ‘inner quietude’, I stop and fear. I see that this represents the polarity of how I experienced myself before and that it is showing me the polarity system I am harboring as and within myself. I stop such and any participations and breathe.

When and as I see myself interpreting body movements, I stop and breathe. I check my own body and correct my posture and check for any energetic participations. I forgive what comes up and direct myself accordingly. I see that I might be using the interpretations to reinforce and validate ideas I have of the person to suit a self-definition or belief I am entertaining and thus I investigate and forgive.
 I see, realize and understand that I had been creating a problem out of this self-relationship instead of directing the points into and as a living solution.

When and as I see myself identifying a point of self-defense in someone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am making interpretations and forming ideas and investigate whether I am projecting my own reactions and movements onto him. I see that I am forming an alternate reality in my mind in which I am attempting to validate my previous perceptions. I commit to investigating such instances and directing myself accordingly.

When and as I see myself identifying a hint of accusation in someone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am entering the polarity of accusation and defense. I do not allow myself in and as this polarity. I see the tendency within this polarity to go into an attitude of spite and superiority in cases where I feel intruded on and then go on into blame within and as back-chat against the person. I commit to investigating such instances and directing myself accordingly.

When and as I see myself within and as the ‘positivity’ of the experience of quietude, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand the polarity of fear as starting point where I am coming from a conflict between polarity ends within and as me. I see that if I don’t address this polarity I will proceed to project this polarity conflict outwards on a subconscious/unconscious level. I commit to directing myself within and as this inner conflict as a priority point to prevent myself from going into the desire of ‘without’ whoever or whatever I project the blame onto and the judgment thereof, the irritation therein and the superiority over the person I project it onto and the progression into opposing the person within and as the mind state of ‘going against him/her’.

When and as I see myself reacting with disappointment and/or slight depression to the news of someone staying at home thereby threatening my ‘routine’/’inner quietude’, I stop and breathe. I see the trap I’m setting up of and as self-sabotage. I stop the cycle and have a look at what this is reflecting and direct it within and as me.

I see the pattern of/as the belief that males interrupt/interfere with what I desire, where I trap myself in between the desire and the fear of being interfered with, where I have a program running that I try to validate by reinforcing ideas of someone which allow for irritation, blame, judgment and superiority/inferiority patterns as a way to divert myself from my own introspection and self-responsibility. I see the conflict I am maintaining within myself and projecting outward. I stop myself as this belief and pattern. I commit to self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself switching from desire for the routine and quietude state to fear of interference, I stop and breathe. I see that I am at the point of establishing someone to blame, a point of projection, where the idea of ‘without’ someone arises and becomes like an obsession or paranoia where I inwardly turn against the specific person and sabotage myself by focusing on the irritation, blame, judgments and superiority within a point of self-righteousness, instead of investigating my self-relationship. I commit to stopping myself as and within this progressive separation within and as me and commit to self-responsible directing of what is coming up within and as me.

When and as I refer to the word ‘routine’ within myself as a ‘pulling back’ into a ‘quietude’ where I won’t be disturbed, I stop and breathe. I realize that this ‘routine’ state is only an experience where I easily create the fear of being disturbed and project this onto another. I see the creation cycle from beginning to end – where I am sabotaging myself within the belief that this experience is real just because external factors are shut off for a time. I see the accumulation process that is set off which will manifest the external points of ‘interference’ to which I will react with irritation, blame, judgment and superiority. I see, realize and understand that these are thus actually reactions against myself. So instead of this I bring myself into the awareness of and as the physical by focusing on breathing and forgiving what comes up in the moment.

When and as I see myself within such a state/experience of ‘routine’/’quietude’ and there is an ‘interference’ or ‘interruption’ that ‘demands priority’and attention, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the trigger here is not the interference per se, but my reactions to the point which reflect my self-relationship, where I am at the point of choice of reacting or directing. I see the point of ‘interference’ as a reflection of my own ‘pushing aside’ of points within and as me, suppressions. Thus, I commit to self-direction.

I see, realize and understand that this ‘routine’/’inner quietude’ is of energetic/experiential nature and dependent on a certain external framework making the inner quietude artificial and unstable. I see I had created (myself within and as) a mind system, an artificial framework of and as ‘the routine’/’inner quietude’ which I want to uphold, wherein particular instances that particular people have come to represent are given the potential to upset it. I am creating a system as this routine that I want to validate by making any interference of my mind through thoughts and emotional participations and reactions something that is being caused by external triggers, for which I am not responsible. It is a point of diversion from self-responsible introspection and self-direction.

When and as I see myself desiring a ‘routine of inner quietude’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this desire is for a pattern, where I am pushing parts of me aside to create it and I am actually suppressing parts of me to create an inner secluded compartment to experience a stability which is in fact not real. I am avoiding addressing points and thus I am supporting their external manifestation to remind me of this separation. I see the consequence of this desire being the fear of not having the experience of quietude and the reactions of irritation, blame, judgment and superiority to divert myself from what is here within me/as me. I see, realize and understand that I am using these reactions to create the perception/experience of stability and/or safety, an inner quietude, by reasserting myself into and as this flow of energy of irritation, blame, judgment and superiority, which becomes a righteousness – where I am turning the desire to be in a situation characterized by ‘without the person’ to one of ‘against the person’. I do not allow myself within and as this creational process of and as self-sabotage as I see that I am creating the external reflection of my internal allowances, them being a progression from ‘without my awareness’ to ‘against my Self’. Instead I see that all is here, all parts of me are here and participating in and as the desire for a routine within quietude does not manifest in the steps toward real stability and safety, but only directing myself within breath point for point to a living of the principle of equality and oneness. I see, realize and understand that the belief of ‘males interfering with my routine’ reflects my own emotions interfering with my routine of breathing/being here, that I am projecting onto others. I commit to a routine of breathing in and as awareness and self-direction.