Mittwoch, 12. August 2015

668 Working out my self-relationship with finances and males - how I decide to change



Points to direct that I found through the application of self-forgiveness from my last blog - condensed here. 



there is the tension and anxiety some males evoke in me / as me
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself going into tension and anxiety when encountering anger in a male. I see, realize and understand that I am only responsible for my own reactions and participations and the outflow from them for the physical and within these I direct myself.

there is 'I am in danger on seeing that he 'is angry''
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I perceive myself to be in danger on seeing that a male is angry. I see, realize and understand that I had conditioned myself into reactions of tension and anxiety from having subjected myself to a relationship that lacked communication and thus clarity. I commit to stability in breath during the outbreak and clarify the points that are Here within me first and then seek clarification within communication.

there is a belief that I must comply to certain unspecified rules to maintain the continuation of a financial survival of sorts
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself participating within the belief of having to comply with certain unspecified rules to maintain the continuation of a financial survival of sorts. I see, realize and understand the self-compromise I am allowing here and proceed to clarify the 'rules' and expectations that are here by communicating and clarifying my financial situation and the relationship as a whole.

there is the conclusion that anger reactions toward me mean I am not safe and I will not be able to survive
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I perceive myself as not-safe and not able to survive in a situation where anger reactions are directed at me. I see, realize and understand that I had built up reactions within me from childhood years and see that I am now able to communicate and direct myself a lot more assertively within and as the situation to support myself.

there is the self-relationship as needing a male to take care of me financially
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself needing the male I am in relationship with to take care of me financially. I see, realize and understand that I am able to put myself out there and connect to people for support when there are uncertainties and so apply what I have to create something self-supportive and best for all.

there is a relationship of defense against anger and a fear of not being able to survive on my own financially; there is the consequence of charging moments of witnessing anger outbreaks with fear of survival
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in a defensive stance toward someone who is angry and instead bring myself here into breathing in awareness. I see, realize and understand that this is the outflow of accepting and allowing self-perceptions to define me and hold myself in limitation, which I project(ed) onto a male within relationship constructs. Also I see that I had been participating in anger and immediately suppressed the emotion because I didn't want to clarify the relationship because I didn't want to face the self-responsibility. I commit to investigating the situation at hand pertaining to such points and start to self-honestly look at this and direct myself within and as self-responsibility.

there is the externalization of males as a point of financial security; there is the fear of not being able to stand as that by myself alone;
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself inferiorizing myself pertaining to creating financial security through thoughts and self-perceptions and self-judgments, thus externalizing that point/separating myself from the point, the ability, within me, as me. I see that I am comparing myself to an idea I held about people who in fact simply made different choices and decisions following their idea of life - where I was trying to find myself as life somewhere in information separate from me, instead of seeing that all I am is Here for the living, creating, understanding, changing.

there is the point of losing this external point of financial security as I didn't stand as it
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself not allowing myself to stand as the point of financial security and thus fearing to lose it. I see, realize and understand that I cannot lose what I am, what I incorporate. I see that financial security is an idea and that such ideas can never be real, stable and trustworthy.

there is the point of not-standing completely as this point of financial security of and as myself;
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself participating in insecurity pertaining to 'financial security', I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I want to secure an idea of life, as how a financially secure life looks like, what parameters must be fulfilled to have it seem 'financially secure' to the mind. Instead I stand as self-support in all the ways I am able to: by maintaining a stability within/as breath, caring for my physical and for those in my environment who need support and apply common sense within the finances this requires.

I must define financial security - sometimes it is based on an agreement that there is a splitting of responsibilities, but it must be clearly communicated and specified pertaining to expectations
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in an unclear situation of 'financial security'/finances within a relationship and realize that I am able to direct this by communicating and specifying the parameters, also pertaining to expectations, as to be able to rely on a stable basis that we lay out for ourselves.

there is this fear of self-honesty with the consequences I would have to walk when I communicate on an equal and one intimate basis
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fearing actually having to walk the consequence of what reveals itself when everything between us in/as the relationship is laid on the table where unclear splitting of responsibilities pertaining to finances gives way to manipulations and self-manipulations. I breathe through the fear and other energies that are here in such a moment and direct myself to clarify within/as self-responsibility.

there is this unwillingness and/or inability to communicate based on the fear of seeing who I have allowed myself to be and how to proceed from there
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself unwilling and/or unable to communicate within my relationship to my partner due to manifested consequences that have accumulated between us; I breathe through the fear of seeing who I have allowed myself to be and how to proceed. I write out what is here within me and see that I will direct it at some point anyway, because I cannot let consequences accumulate forever, and so I see I might as well direct myself as and within these circumstances here and now - thus after writing and clarifying for myself I simply proceed to communicate and see what is required to be done.

and how it also had these physical results in my body as tension and anxiety/fear of anger
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see that I am tense and anxious as a result of being exposed to anger reactions. I breathe to resume a point of stability within me and get myself out of the situation as far or much as possible. I investigate the points behind this accumulation between us self-honestly and direct myself to change the situation by either core-recting the relationship from the basis or removing myself from the relationship and the environment.

there is the belief I needed to maintain the relationship to feel financially secure - even with my dad
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself caught up in the belief that I needed to maintain the relationship to feel financially secure. I bring all the points here and direct myself to find a solution to the situation asap, because I see, realize and understand the self-compromise and self-abuse I had been allowing within/as such a starting point.

I don't/didn't clarify my 'arrangements'/'relationship' with males
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself facing something that is not clear in my relationship to a male (or otherwise). I see that it is no big deal to change myself in this point (as I've already changed it).

there is envy of their capacity to earn a substantial amount of money for a comfortable life-style
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself about to envy a male for their capacity to earn a substantial amount of money for a comfortable life-style. I realize that I incapacitate myself by participating in envy as I am thus taking the starting point of not being able to provide for myself in a sufficient way and adding to this there is also a point of greed that becomes obvious - of wanting more than I need. I stop myself within and as this the moment this energy wants to establish itself. I disengage myself from the point, remove and delete it.

I exclude myself from substantiating earning sufficient money for a comfortable life-style
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself fighting for my limitations pertaining to earning sufficient money for a comfortable life-style. I see, realize and understand that the idea of myself not being able to do this is a limitation which I am able to release by having a look at how I am able to support myself in areas toward self-perfection of self-expression

there is a belief I owe what I have financially to my dad and other males/past relationships
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see a thought come up of owing what I have financially to dad and other males/past relationships. I see, realize and understand that this was based on an agreement we had had, albeit tacit in many respects. In such situations I commit to clarifying the underlying agreements so as to see myself in the respective agreement clearly so I don't fall prey to the idea of 'owing' but enable myself to use what is here to adequately support myself and others as-me.

there is the point of justification that it is due to anger that I do not clarify and communicate assertively and so hide so I don't real-eyes who I am with the male
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself justify before myself that the respective person is so angry and so I don't want to and/or can't communicate assertively, because thus I can make him at fault, when in fact I don't want to real-eyes who I am with this respective male, and align myself to life - but remain in hiding, in limitation without self-responsibility. So instead, I take myself seriously in this and change my self-relationship of hiding and self-dishonesty and stand within and as me and direct myself accordingly, communicate and walk.



Freitag, 7. August 2015

What do males represent to me that I cannot have without them?

Prompted by a most peculiar dream of having a penis and having come across the timeline describing a relationship moment of tension and anxiety toward a male I used to live with, I am here investigating  this from the perspectives and insights I have today to see if there is anything I failed to address within me. I'll look at the question what males represent to me that I think I don't or can't have without them. For this I will apply the tool of self-forgiveness to release myself from the allowances and acceptances that come forth.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to condition myself in a way that I immediately create a tension and anxiety within and as myself when this male comes into the room - within watching if he comes closer, wants something or says something.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in danger when I see that this male is angry - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just energy that I am participating in within and as reactions towards his anger, which I am able to breathe through and release and direct myself within and as.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to self-investigate the point of danger closely enough to that time to see, realize and understand that I had entertained a belief pertaining to our relationship that I must comply to certain unspecified rules in order to maintain the continuation of a financial survival of sorts.

Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to conclude that anger reactions towards me by males mean I am not safe and I will not be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate to myself as life as needing a male to take care of me financially.

Image credit
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to relate to this male as having to defend myself against anger in fear of not being able to survive on my own financially and thus resonantly charge moments of witnessing anger outbreaks by males with fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that - at a turning point of our relationship - I had implemented this male as a point of financial security when I feared I was not able to stand as that by myself alone and would consequently fear losing this external point because I didn't stand as it.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to stand as this point of financial security for myself by seeing, realizing and understanding that I had had a tacit agreement that he earns the money while I fill the role of the homemaker, mom and wife - though without clearly communicated or specified expectations - and in seeing this clarify and specify what these mutual expectations are. Within this, I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my fear of self-honestly walking the consequences that had manifested between us based on both our inability and/or unwillingness to communicate on an equal & one intimate basis resulted in my reactions of and as tension and anxiety when he became angry towards me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I needed to maintain the relationship to this male somehow in order to feel financially secure. Within this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to externalize this point instead of empowering myself by clarifying who I am in/as the arrangement with this male / this being seeing that such arrangements can work when everything is put on the table and addressed.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to envy males for their capacity to earn a substantial amount of money that enables them to provide for a comfortable life-style, and thus exclude myself from substantiating this of and as myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot have a comfortable life-style that is substantiated of and as myself and so believe I owe it to my dad and other specific relationships to males.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I had been making anger and my reaction towards another being's anger a point of justification within me to hide and not-seek communication and clarification of the respective relationship more assertively to support myself to real-eyes who I am with the being.


Self-corrective statements to come.

Sonntag, 12. Juli 2015

666 - Nights in White Satin - Reactions while Dancing, Part Two

This is a continuation of Part One

pertaining to in an instance having the thought come up of 'I don't know him' when listening to the particular song again - seeing it is a justification for not stopping the energy participation,  because after the energy is gone the physical facts seem irrelevant compared to the blown-up relationship within the energy of and as the feeling:
CC-Image Credit

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have the thought come up within and as me of 'I don't know him' when I can't relate to him from don't this/a specific feeling toward him, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is my creation as the feeling that I know - it exists of my ideas of myself toward ideas I have of the being and therein I feel 'safe' and 'having arrived', when it is an agglomeration of self-created perceptions, ideas, thoughts, desires and perceived compensated lack based on a deficiently established self-acceptance and that I had been used to relating to feelings toward relationships than physical facts as points of observation and physical experience, which the mind uses for energy creation - a point I commit to stop myself within and as. I see, realize and understand the illusions I create within myself of knowing someone that have nothing to do with who the being is in fact - and are just an overlay on what/who I actually do know the other is as a being.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself for an allowance of another participation in a feeling of 'belonging' and/or 'having arrived' by justifying it with the thought 'I don't know him' thus implying I would know him, when I allow myself to create feelings toward him, instead of seeing that the feeling is my creation, substantiated by my physical self, and thus it is 'known' and familiar, and tailored so that I want to participate - playing on old and formerly held ideas of acceptance and fulfillment - bringing a story-line of and as my life to a 'happy end'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in moments perceive myself within/on a story-line as the progression of events that seem to possess me by holding a specific particular charge that I maintain by relating to myself through and as them and thus allow myself to be directed along those lines. I commit to release the hold such energies may still have over me by defining the energy, self-forgiving and breathing through them, thus enabling myself to really get to know myself intimately and thus also the other being. I commit to self-responsible self-direction pertaining to all aspects of and as life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs about knowing another when I relate to him via a feeling, instead I breathe through the feeling when and as I see myself participating and ground myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand in the instance that I had participated in the energy how I had allowed myself to separate and isolate myself into and as a feeling bubble, instead I commit myself to stop such instances the moment I see that I am about to participate.


pertaining to the moment the dance was interrupted:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to make my partner responsible for how I felt when he interrupted the dance, 'leaving me standing there with my feeling', but instead of self-directing, I censored the want/desire and suppressed it with the consideration that I 'wasn't allowed to' (as projected onto him) place any back-chat arguments toward this end against him based on the reasoning that I wanted this feeling, because 'I have to be self-responsible and being responsible meant directing one's feelings'. Instead I commit to - before and to the best of my ability in moments of possession - realizing this construct of projecting my own accepted life principles onto my partner to justify censorship and suppression over self-directed action.


pertaining to feeling that up to now nobody has understood me:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the feeling of 'having arrived' when embracing my partner when dancing, which I created on the basis of finally perceiving myself to be understood. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to build a self-perception of 'they don't understand what I am going through'. I commit to stop myself  and breathe when and as I see myself going into the perception of being understood and/or not being understood, as I see, realize and understand how I am creating this polarity and what the outflow of this self-perception can be.


pertaining to the relief that 'he is there':

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the relief of and as 'he is there' not realizing that this is a projection based on past moments due to the word 'there' instead of thinking/realizing 'he is here'. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to come from the idea of losing someone/having lost someone and fearing loss. I commit to stop myself and breathe when and as I see myself participating in relief of/as 'he is there' seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not here but relating this moment to a past moment as 'there' - so I am within an energetic bubble, where i am not within direct participation in reality.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to interpret the energetic feeling of being understood and the relief of 'him being there' as bonding energy, an energy that 'shows me' that he is there for me, where the loneliness is gone - the loneliness that had left its imprint from past moments of not communicating in the past within the feeling of represented by the song lyrics of 'what I'm going through - they just don't understand'. I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself interpreting energies as a sign of bonding and being understood. I see, realize and understand that the loneliness came from not communicating and thus I commit to communicating what is here within and as me.


pertaining to the reaction of rejecting him when I 'must take responsibility' and stop the energy/feeling 'because of him' 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react on the thought of 'I must take responsibility' and stop the energy/feeling 'because of him' with rejecting him in a moment, instead of seeing it to be a decision that is actually coming from myself that has been hijacked by mind as projected onto him to continue in my self-relationship as simply suppressing and avoiding to address emotional participations. I commit to stop myself and breathe, when and as I see myself suppressing and avoiding by censoring thoughts, emotions and feelings finding it easier to not be directive all of the time - wherein I allow self-sabotage. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in moments by only seemingly directing myself through censoring thoughts, feelings and emotions and pushing them aside, instead of accepting myself within and as my self-responsibility and self-direction and walking this mind of mine completely, thoroughly at all times and in all ways. This I commit to.


pertaining to the whole construct of not-being understood together with the point of self-acceptance and rejection

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to a self-created construct by making my self-acceptance dependent on others
and when self-judgments seem to overwhelm me to withdraw and go into spite and rejection of the person it seems to be dependent on - so I create/define criteria (of rules of must-do and must-be) and project them onto the other as being their criteria and if I judge myself within that framework as insufficient and inadequate I reject the person and diminish him. When and as I see myself subjecting who I am to the opinion of others I stop and breathe. I commit to standing as self-acceptance and see that I am able to establish this when I am self-directive in every moment of breath. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to subject the striving of myself as the beingness to the mind by taking the life principles and making defined criteria of conduct and self-censorship out of them and in moments allow them to override self-direction and thus suppress who I am as self-expression and self-acceptance. When and as I see myself not taking the time to self-direct what is here as an accepted and allowed behavior that is not in alignment with my principles, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am within the mindset of hiding and pushing aside in a mode of functioning with projected parameters. I do not continue to accept and allow this. Instead I breathe and self-direct. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going into relationship behavior and personality reactions and thus immediately censor and suppress instead of directing - and then feel bad about it and judge myself, where ultimately it gets too much and I project these criteria that 'must be' met and observed onto my partner as coming from him as them being his standards I have to meet and then I start rejecting him and withdrawing. I commit to stop myself and breathe when and as I see myself going into a reaction of rejecting my partner. Instead I see, realize and understand how and why I create the rejection - by in moments having made myself perceive/believe I adhere to the life principles due to him as if I was obliged to him following the reasoning that I might lose him if I went into relationship behavior and so I censor and suppress before allowing myself to direct - which would take more time and effort and in fact the censoring and suppression is an outflow of the acceptance from the past to within moments hide what I am doing and who I am. Within this, I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am hiding who I am by suppressing and censoring what is going on inside me. Instead I commit to self-direct such instances from the starting point of self-acceptance.
                                    

pertaining to trying to hide the feeling 'I miss you'


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of missing him and believe I had to try and hide that censoring it within me instead of directing. When and as I see myself participating in a feeling of missing him, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am able to direct this in a way to realign myself with and as the physical.              

665 - Nights in White Satin - Reactions when Dancing, Part One

Here I will direct an experience I had when dancing and the memories that came up when relooking at this experience. Also I was able to see a construct I had created within my mind that I had allowed to control who I was toward and within myself in moments and also as an outflow toward partners and people in my environment. I will not allow this to continue within me, as me. It's not acceptable.

Starting with the experience:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'finally having arrived' when dancing and feeling his embrace, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this to be of a projective nature and implying a separation within and as me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to resist the abrupt ending of the dance, instead of realigning myself within and as breath on seeing this resistance in/as me and go with the physical movement of the stopping and address the point by asking for a reason.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience the dance stopping as not being allowed and thus able to enjoy myself within it / as it further, instead of seeing the point of desire for the energetic experience I participated in and as, as well the as energetic experience as and of 'finally having arrived' itself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to tell myself I needed to 'be responsible', to go about this responsibly and see this as something placed onto me as a rule and obligation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am projecting this onto my partner as coming from the outside in separation of me. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to see myself as a victim of circumstances - of me not being allowed to remain in this feeling experience due to having to 'be responsible'/'act in a responsible way'/'be directive' toward energy experiences, who I am within/as them, to be accepted. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe acceptance is something that is dependent on others, instead of standing within and as self-acceptance. I commit to establishing myself within and as this point of self-acceptance, always and in all ways.


pertaining to the memory that came up when taking notes on these points yesterday:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a past moment experience  as memory of dancing at a carnival where it seemed my dancing partner was suddenly not here anymore after having danced in a close embrace which I later regretted thinking a friendship and/or relationship could have developed and felt like I had missed a chance - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I had thus preconditioned myself to want to hold on to a being within such close embraces to prevent missing out on the chance of a relationship which had been reinforced by the feeling experience of having missed out. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have programmed myself to miss someone after an embrace and feeling having missed out on some chance toward a relationship. I commit to breath and being grounded within and as the embrace and stopping myself when and as I see myself participating in feeling experiences seeing the aspect of fearing a loss that is liable to ensue. When and as I see myself participating in the fear of loss I stop and breathe and see, realize the memory association of and as the dance and that I have created it by participating in the feeling of having missed out on a chance for relationship when I had lost sight of a being after closely embracing him. i see that it is not relevant for the moment I am here as/within here and now and release myself from the energy. Instead I breathe and direct myself within and as the physical in equality and oneness as best for all.


pertaining to wanting to belong:

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in a 'deep' feeling of 'belonging' when listening to the song 'Nights in White Satin' and embracing my partner, and desiring this 'deep' feeling when listening to the song when he is not around, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this to be self-created by the allowed and accepted energy overlay from the past moments as the memory of dancing with a being who I hadn't been able to establish a partnership/relationship with consequently feeling a lack/something missing, similar to and as in other relationships and going into comparison between then and now, and from there missing the feeling/desiring the feeling when resonating with the sound frequencies of this specific song. I commit to stop myself and breathe, when and as I see myself recreating such circumstances, particularly when embracing and dancing to this song, the song alone, or just the embrace understanding that I am living out points within/as a program of missing, fear of loss, feeling of having arrived vs. memories of not-being understood. Within this I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I the lack I had experienced within/as former relationships featured the aspect of not being understood and so when and as I feel understood I am liable of producing a feeling toward it that I participate in - thus I hereby commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself about to participate in a feeling toward the perception and/or realization and/or communicated fact of being understood. Instead I remain grounded within and as breath and see that my communication has been clear.

to be continued


Donnerstag, 9. Juli 2015

Stepping out of Victimization


I reread some of my very early self-forgiveness work on my reactions within moments with my ex. What I saw was that I had been walking around the point and not fully addressing who I am within and as it, my self-relationship in those specific, particular moments of him approaching me and me going into all kinds of energetic movements.

Feeling victimized


So actually the self-relationship that I had created was an emotion of insecurity of how to react, coming from a starting point of wanting to avoid a certain play-out of 'his reactions'* 'against'** me. A starting point of fear - of in.fear.iority. I see my relationship to self as having to search for a way to direct this as if it were something outside of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to simply take care only of me, place the focus on me first and foremost to make sure I remain stable: by breathing deeply enough and not go into the realms of the mind and separation from the physical, into fear.

*his reactions: I see, realize and understand that his reactions are his points to be directed, thus it is not to be of my concern at the moment, I do not have to direct him - in fact I cannot - only me within and as the moment as the situation - thus stability is essential to see all my options clearly
**against: I see, realize and understand my self-relationship as and within a moment IS what defines this moment for me, as WHO AM I in this/as moment - I only ever have the access to who I am as it is me that is experiencing this particular moment - so there is nothing here AGAINST me, when I don't allow it within and as me.

Thus I am able to place and see myself equal within & as the situation and can direct it as me. I can focus on me here and slow myself down in the moment to assist and support myself to remain here as the breath and stop energetic movement inside me in the moment. I live myself in that moment as self-expression.

Because: What is the situation actually? It is a physical play-out. I am the one that makes an experience of it. Which is completely unnecessary when I allow myself to be Here in and as the moment in/as the physical. Then it remains what it is, some physical action, an interaction and/or communication. I am then able to clearly state to another what I will accept and allow and what I will not accept and allow. I am thus able to script who I am as and within the moment, for me to live and stand as, until I am stable, sound as who I am, always and in all ways.

So by clearing my points of reaction only the shell of the individual point will remain so to speak, like in the neural network of the brain where it looks like all these dots or knots connected with lines to each other and each of those dots or knots represent a charged point within and as the mind, like a word, a definition, an experience or whatever. And now, once I've worked through that individual point using, let's say, self-forgiveness, the dot/knot becomes 'empty' meaning there is no charge, just empty information - without any potential for reactivity in me. From here I can see clearly what I am able to do to direct myself within the situation to an end that is best for all.

Dienstag, 23. Juni 2015

SRA - Always With Me - A Testimonial

This photo was taken in a cute little cafe in Munich where I had some freshly pressed orange juice and M. some hot cocoa. It had been raining for some days and we needed some change of environment. We hardly go anywhere without our laptops since we both are very keen on getting on with our assignments for the Desteni ‘I’ Process Course, or Structural Resonance Alignment Course as it is also referred to, as much as we can. 
I’ve been walking the SRA/DIP for some years now, since January 2010 in fact, so from pretty much the very beginning of it having been conceived. I can honestly say that it has been one of my most self-empowering endeavors so far.
I started it when I was at a point in my life, where I didn’t know how to proceed. On a deep down level I had realized that my marriage had come to an end. Still I had not seen it within me to follow through with my decision to leave, in fact it went so far that I denied within me even having made any such decision for myself at all. I did not know how to direct all or any of the fears and emotions around surviving in the system and was terrified of stepping out of the familiarity of what had become a very controlling and verbally abusive relationship. I had conditioned myself to survive by way of suppressing myself, my feelings and emotions to a degree where I felt extremely diminished and completely inadequate.
So some months into the course I was able to gradually pick myself up again, so to speak. I learned what the mind is. I learned the language of the mind and what components it is constituted of and so I was eventually able to see what I was doing inside myself, within and as the mind, how I was creating my experience and external situations. I learned how to relate instances and events, how to bring them here before me in a way that I could look at them objectively, to see their progression and unfolding. This way I was able to reveal to myself how I had indeed always created my situations for myself, I could see who I was within it all and most importantly how I could get to a point of correction.
By walking the SRA course I have greatly empowered myself to direct what comes up in a self-responsible way with the tools I learned in the lessons and assignments. In this, the continuous dedicated support and assistance of my SRA buddy in our weekly chats, where I was provided with invaluable feedback and guidance, proved to be very helpful and enjoyable.
So, since starting the course I have gradually created a position of stability for myself again, in every way. I have realized that I had accumulated a whole lot of emotional burdens in my life by accessing and immediately suppressing my reactions within myself. Therefore, I am now committed to aligning myself with who I actually am as and within the physical – as Life. I have decided to investigate my mind-system participations and stop myself.
So here you see me making use of every free moment I can find to work through such self-suppressing patterns and entrapments and all their layers and dimensions. I absolutely recommend this course to anyone who is also fed-up with his/her own lived, allowed and accepted inadequacy and self-limitation and wants to bring about a worthwhile change within/as him- or herself to stand self-empowered, equal and one with life as best for all.