Attachment to things / my first impression/experience towards my flat
I listened to the eqafe interview 'Home and everything in it - relationship success support' and found it interesting that you upload your original experience every time you enter the flat or see an object that you've bought. So here I want to investigate what experiences I had that are uploaded.
In opening this up again, I see the first impression was that of a flat not optimally furnished and it was somehow improvised. I saw that the people that it belonged to were sitting in the back room almost squished on their sofa as if waiting that they could freely move through their flat again. I felt as if I was intruding. The other room was not much lived in. Also I remember the doors, where it was said that they needed to be painted. The bathroom tiles were old-fashioned, but the nice thing was that there was a bath-tub and a shower. There also was the balcony and two doors leading outside to it - from each of the bigger rooms. And the kitchen was so that one could see out onto the balcony. So the overall experience I had was 'it is possible to live here' - an allowance of potential.
I also remember coming into the flat and taking a breath and holding a long-drawn 'okay..., let's see' within me.
And now see that I still often enter the flat with 'ok, let's see' as an entry point within myself - a bit like there is a fear of entering and finding something disappointing and/or overwhelmingly demanding. As if I let myself relax into the flat environment only after seeing what needs attention. I don't go in and let myself fall into an easy chair or onto the couch, which would be a self-movement that allows and welcomes self to be here - where I place self-care over taking care of everything around me first when it is supportive to do so.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to shift into the past moment of initial experience with the flat every time I enter it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reload my first experience of the flat every time I walk through the apartment door.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that there may be something disappointing or overwhelmingly demanding to be done before I can relax and have the being-home feeling.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a filter of 'what there still to be done before I can be comfortable and at home' when I enter the flat.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there was a slight fear that I will have to do a lot before I will be able to feel at home again when I first entered the flat I now live in and thus unconsciously recharge this fear each time I walk in through the door.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an energy of annoyance at the fact that not everything had been made perfect by the landlord such as painting the doorframes or sanding the wood floor as was originally mentioned.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act on my fear of having to do a lot before I can feel at home by projecting annoyance onto my landlord, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am acting on a past moment where I had been exhausted from all that had
transpired fearing it wouldn't end and so would have liked him to make more of an effort for the high rent he is getting.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to walk into my flat and let everything go that this first experience had held in and as me, and relax and feel totally at home from the moment I get there.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and accumulate moments of exhaustion and fear as a burden that I access and charge up unconsciously when entering my flat.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not only create the potential that I saw after the initial gathering of impressions of the flat, but also allow myself to fully embrace the whole environment as myself as I've created it (together with my daughter), to then take a deep breath and let myself be for a moment, to re-align with the physical here.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I do, within/as the created filter of 'having a lot to do', instead of allowing myself to be here first and then from that starting point self-direct.
When and as I am about to enter my flat, I stop and breathe for a moment and check myself for 'this accumulated burden' of fear of having to do a lot before I can slow down, relax, recline and/or generally let go. I see, realize and understand how I created and accumulated it with going into an experience toward this environment based on previous stress. I see, realize and understand that initial experiences with things are reloaded with every 'encounter' as long as I don't realign my internal relationship with them. I see the separation that I go into by shifting into this 'old' experience and do not allow it anymore. Instead of this pattern of self-limitation, I commit to now embrace the environment as myself, breathe through any ideas of having to do a lot before I can feel at home and relax, and embrace self-care.