Memory: I feared that he would enter the room and get angry at me
I actually wanted a friend to talk to and help me with how I experience myself, how to handle things, a point of support in my life.
When I was at a point where I saw this would not be the case I tried to support myself with books, introspection, esoterics, psychology, homeopathy, etc.
This resulted in my not playing the role in his life that I had started off with when I had still thought and hoped he would be the kind of support I wanted, the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with.
So eventually he reacted to what I was busy with in the time I had for myself and I started fearing these reactions.
How would I correct such a situation as who I am now?
I would have a look at how I came to this place, this experience and situation and who I am within it, what are my intentions, what is my secret mind? (Then sf and correct)
I notice when bringing it here again that I have a relief when his anger explosion has taken place, because then, for one, I know that this gradual accumulation to this point of explosion is stopped for a while, as it has discharged itself. Also, I can go into the 'self-righteous victimhood experience' and inwardly hold it against him, where it can seem that only he is to blame and then I don't have to face my own involvement and responsibility in this and simply carry on.
So this definitely shows that in such moments I am/was afraid to face this change of relationship toward him that is caused by a change in experiencing him as the being I desire friendship with and support from to not wanting to relate to him at all due to being disappointed that he couldn't fill this 'position' toward me within my life and thus seeing him as stifling me in my expression. The support I had hoped for within the friendship relationship I learned to stand as within myself to a degree. However, the 'deal' we had struck by marrying and the corresponding role distribution in family care would have had to be reassessed - meaning how much would a change endanger my feeling of financial security? What rights to that would I still have when I didn't want to relate to him in the way I originally had when entering the agreement/marriage? I took care of the children and household - but what about us?
There had been a lot of attempts at changing the co-dependency that we had gone into. The original fear of not being able to support myself financially - a dimension of the desire for friendship and support - had still not been completely resolved and thus I believed I required the status quo to continue, despite the verbal abuse that I encountered.
Seeing all of this today, I realize his anger shows me his helplessness toward not being able to change our relationship (plus to a great deal actually his own self-relationship), and also directly reflects back to me my suppressed anger and lived helplessness toward my mind-set and self-beliefs of inadequacy within the money system, and feeling dependent - within it all showing me the extent of self-compromise and self-anger I had actually created.
After having walked many dimensions of this self-relationship through a process of self-forgiveness and self-correction I've changed these experiences of self and created a new supportive environment for us all (for him, I guess, it was my stepping out of the cage of our relationship that freed him to attempt to carry on on a different note too).