Mittwoch, 10. Dezember 2014

635 - Who I am as thoughts

Thoughts and my relationship to them

Thoughts, within thought patterns, form the foundation of personality structures, within these they turn into backchat of a specific repetitive kind, which feed emotions and accumulate and produce reactions, they constitute the basis for projections by providing the respective triggers, and are deeply rooted within the most fundamental of all emotions: fear. Here lies the generator for all sorts of agonizing emotional and feeling conditions and physical reactions, stress, illnesses, depression, burn-out, despondency and paranoia.

So it all starts with thoughts, or more precisely, my relationship to them. A person may approach me within an energy, an emotional reaction, but I don’t have to take it personally. I don’t have to participate in the thoughts about the words that are placed and produce a reaction. So I decide whether I take part in the thoughts that come up within me. I realize they are me, because they come up in me. They make up parts of memories and past moments that I might have shoved away or which have simply slipped into seeming oblivion. But they are still there somewhere within the unconscious or subconscious realms - from where they suddenly rear their heads, show they are still ‘alive’ and present - within me, as me - reflecting past decisions of who I am within moments, presenting informational threads of experiences I created that constitute the relationship I have with me pertaining to my environment.  



The thoughts that come up are continuously offering me interpretations of the present moment within my environment which make up aspects of myself as how I have lived myself in the past within such and similar moments to draw comparisons from. Not very long ago I realized that I am actually able to choose who I am in relationship to my past, to past decisions, experiences, reactions and the thoughts that find their origin and sustenance and within them. I was so much identified with thoughts and  thinking - based on thoughts being the directive force - that I hadn’t in any way considered stopping them within/as me, to have a look at not the thought as the content, but its nature, what within me, and as me, produced it, going to its root, its trigger - and in that challenge it, the essence of it, its existence within me, as me, to see how it is I had separated myself in that moment of creating it: the separation into a thought and the point of me in relationship to it - the observer, the one thinking it, participating in its ‘truth’. To have a look at the shift in that moment  - the reality of me being rendered divided, an aspect of me frozen into a thought as interpretation. And if that wasn’t enough, I all-to-often found it ‘necessary’ to add an energetic charge into the equation, to pass judgment onto this point in perceived separation of me, not realizing what I was doing: creating shifts upon shifts away from my integrity of and as Life, as being Here in the physical, in reality as the substance of what is, an existence within and as equality and oneness. And instead constructing myself into and as a virtual reality within polarities, a mind consciousness system without substance and authenticity.

So I can challenge thoughts instead of following them blindly, believing I will see where they are leading me, believing they are indeed leading me to a notable realization, to something essential, something that feels like it has been lost, and I must follow the thought(s) to find myself, find who I am. Not realizing that following the thoughts I have inadvertently decided that I am less than, I am not directing, I’m not Here to give directions for the thoughts, I simply allow rampant thoughts to roam through my head and skip from one to the other unmotivatedly with neither intent, plan nor structure. I revolve in my own past as frozen points of  useless dead information that can never amount/s to anything, because there is no self-directiveness.

And due to not having allowed myself to live differently, to apply myself in each moment at hand such that I give myself direction: I direct myself - I believe that I have to search inside myself within these and any thoughts to find motivation for something/anything - where I attach positive charges to some thoughts and ideas and might take them up or find a negatively charged thought/idea, be deterred, and thus directed to consequently do the opposite. So who’s been in charge? Thoughts - not me. My relationship to thoughts has been such that ‘they are in charge of me’.

Then adding to the dilemma, I have also come to judge myself as these thoughts. Obviously, since I’ve identified myself with my thoughts, them being interpretations of my moments’ participation, I am these 'good' thoughts and these 'bad' thoughts - I form a perspective of who I am as these thoughts - I place another dimension above me-as-thoughts consisting of judgmental thoughts. Lol. Why on earth?

Because I’m not actually ‘on earth’, not earthed and grounded, not noticing how I breathe, not ‘slow enough’ to realize I am Here in this physical body constituting itself of the earth, of everything that is here, in every moment of breath. The mind-system is so fast keeping me busy with ‘entertainment’ that it’s a real challenge to remain or at least get back into the driver’s seat with repect to this cascade of thoughts. So when and as I realize I’ve stepped into the ‘entertainment mode’ of and as my mind, I stop and breathe. I commit to taking back the helm for my life and in doing so make a statement of who I am with respect to energy, the mind system, the total reflection of who I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

(image: creative commons)

Freitag, 31. Oktober 2014

Day 634 - Unravelling a point of limiting self-reference



Having a look at how I created this statement in and as my mind reference to myself of ‚I am not good at math‘  and how I’m going to change this self-reference, as one of many where I am changing my interpretation of moments within/as myself where I allowed an entrancement by my mind into self-awareness, where I am placing my starting point within me-here in equality and oneness with and as Life.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself within and as “I am not good at math” by taking an experience of confusion from mixing up greater and smaller signs - where I sometimes got the logic of it and sometimes not, in reliance on a mnemonic aid that I didn’t always have ready - to be the reality of ‘math as me’ and my potential within/as the subject matter as if set in stone. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as despair when I cannot access a specific mnemonic aid for a mathematical exercise and on that basis create myself as the belief of myself as/within ‘I am not good at math’.

image credits
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as and within ‘I am not good at math’ by believing the experience I participated within and as to be real – of ‘feeling unable to take a step back to see which intermediary information I was missing to come to a result/solution in a geometrical problem, instead of breathing and having a closer look from the point, where I still had all the parameters clear that had played a role, to see within the next step what exactly I don’t know and place this into/as a question, seeing where ‘I am’ and what I want to get to, to either find out for myself or ask someone who might know, so as being self-directive and not subject myself to emotions and self-limiting ideas such as ‘I am not good at math’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself in and as the I am statement of ‘I am not good at math’ by not completely trusting myself with the calculation process involved with algebra and analysis, due to not sticking to the right order. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to mistrust myself instead of making sure what the right order is and simply sticking to it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in frustration and the thought of ‘what went wrong here’ without checking on the precise rules for calculating terms with fractions in the very moment and thus add to the creation of myself within and as the I am statement of ‘I am not good at math’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to add to the creation of myself as and within the I am statement of ‘I am not good at math’ by participating in the emotion of frustration over our students’ book where they were not conclusive and required a teacher to fill in additional information, instead of remaining stable and self-directive to see what options I had to resolve that point.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for a long time to participate in the fear of approaching my teacher to ask to be explained something that was unclear to me and only step up to him when others also stepped up, oftentimes due to not being clear on the exact question I could have asked, thus adding to my self-creation within and as the I am statement of ‘I am not good at math’, instead of taking myself seriously within my endeavor to understand math, trust myself, proceed to clear everything I was confused about and direct myself within the subject matter appropriately.

I forgive that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to add up all the singular experiences of myself as/within math and create the sum total of ‘I am not good at math’, where I use each experience to within myself claim the self-definition is valid.

Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements
When and as I see myself getting confused due to not being able to access a mnemonic aid in situations where I can’t look anything up, particularly with math, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is how I create a point of self-definition toward a subject matter, particularly math – namely by allowing a state of confusion in and as me, simply because I can’t think of how I intended to remember the mathematical pathway through to a solution and so start believing this defines me as who I am, as expressed within/as the statement ‘I am not good at math’. Instead of allowing the confusion, I breathe, and have a look at the mathematical problem with commonsense and look it up if I can’t sort it out.
When and as I see myself not being able to access a mnemonic aid, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is usually a trigger for confusion and despair and frustration. I do not allow this as I understand this to be a main contributor to the self-creation of and as ‘I am not good at math’ – which is self-limiting and utterly unnecessary. I breathe through the moment and have a look at the problem within commonsense directly, without searching for the technique/mnemonic aid I had used. I realize I am able to see the solution within/as the next step more easily when here as breath – i.e. not searching for the technique/imagery I used to learn it. 
When and as I see myself despairing within a state of confusion due to not being able to access a mnemonic aid, I stop and breathe.  I realize what I am manifesting, namely myself as the I am statement of and as ‘I am not good at this”. I do not allow this. Instead I take the time to be here and have another look at the problem, maybe take a step back to implement a change of perspective and see what I am missing to solve the problem, or at least to formulate the question it begs and so to be able to investigate a remedy.

When and as I see that I am participating in the experience of being unable to take the (figurative) step back to see what I am missing, particularly in mathematical problem solving, I stop and breathe. I go back to the point or moment where all was still clear, investigate what parameters are necessary and why, look into the next step where I had suddenly felt ‘unable to see what’s missing to understand the next step’ and/or what exactly I don’t know and place this into/as a question, seeing where ‘I am’ and what I want to get to, to either find out for myself or ask someone who might know, so as being self-directive and not subject myself to emotions and self-limiting ideas such as ‘I am not good at math’.

When and as see myself not trusting myself when I am busy with calculations in algebra and/or analysis, I stop and breathe. I ensure that I realize what the individual steps are and the order they require in the calculation process as to have a method at hand I can follow and direct myself practically instead of reacting in and as the mind.

When and as I see that I am thinking of ‘what went wrong here’, particularly in math, i.e. fractions, I stop and breathe and see that this has been the trigger for frustration within the idea that I’m not good at math. I don’t allow myself to participate in the emotion of frustration where I would be adding fuel to the idea and self-definition of ‘I am not good at math. Instead I investigate what I had missed and correct the procedure.

When and as I see myself getting frustrated over a book that isn’t conclusive enough for self- study, in particular with math, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is critical here to not re-create the self-definition point of and as ‘not being good in math’, but to rather investigate other ways more suited for study/self-study.

When and as I see myself fearing to approach someone to get clarity or a mathematical procedure or the like when in a class situation, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to participate further in this fear, as it is not real and I am just accumulating energy for a lived self-definition of and as ‘I am not good in math’. I clarify beforehand how to word a question as to support myself to see what the issue is precisely and then to be able to put the question forward as necessary. I trust myself to support myself and proceed to clarify what I was confused about or couldn’t see or find out by myself. I direct myself in this matter to support myself and disassemble the creation of not being good in a subject matter.

When and as I see myself judging myself or believing that I am not good at math, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand which experiences have accumulated to make up this I am statement and investigate which trigger has presented itself. I see the whole construct and I stop adding energy to it because I know the effects and influences I allowed it to have in my life. I decide to create myself within and as responsible self-direction. 


Samstag, 25. Oktober 2014

Day 633 – Continuing the DipPro Series of allowed career influences




This is in continuation of the series in which I am sharing interesting points that have opened up within the walking of the DipPro Course on influences involved with my career decision process – here having a look at school social influences and my relationship to reading that I created during that time and expanded on based on this self-relationship - again using this very cool tool that one learns in the DipPro Course to structure the thoughts, words and deeds that constituted the involved self-programming.

So in the following I will share the self-forgiveness and corrective statements along with the ‘I am’ statements that became apparent, which I will look into at a later stage expounding on those I am still living and subsequently release them, me as them embracing myself as and within self-direction and my fullest potential.



Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself within and as a system wherein one needs reading to survive without providing this opportunity for each and every being equally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not yet have allowed myself to work with the techno tutor more consistently, but tell myself that I want to write the words and translations out first before chunking them and practicing them, instead of taking 10 or so at a time and taking it chunk-wise concurrently.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to revel in expressions and allow shifts into feelings within it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not one and equal here with the words and so am not able to use it as and equal and one expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I have not directed the point of the wandering and assessing/judging eyes in the moment of the deed/the participation and have instead utilized reading as a ‘aid’ to keep me busy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ‘feel concerned’ about municipal issues, instead of checking the relevant sites for municipal news regularly with the starting point of seeing who I am within it and what I am able to do and to at least undertake the first steps toward taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘see the world through the eyes of the people who are more concerned with municipal issues’ with the starting point of judging their concern with being of a certain pettiness, instead of seeing that this is what is here in the city, what the focus is placed on and some of it may actually be petty, but there will be a background story behind it and many unseen levels to investigate, which I could open up to directly, objectively without judgment and a superiority stance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult to read articles with lots of information in one sentence wherein I lack a lot of background information such as the newspaper. I realize I need to learn to read between the lines and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I haven’t got going with looking up what I do not know how it works.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself create and participate in a resistance toward biased articles, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to cross-reference and not take at face value what is presented and am able to apply commonsense – thus resistance is not necessary. I am able to decide if the article is worth reading or not and thus stop the resistance and instead decide.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in impatience with myself when reading due to the self-perception of being a slow reader because I like to absorb all details and resist skimming through because I fear missing details and don’t come up with an informed baseline on the contents of the text.

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve created a polarity within reading as either very detailed and slow or skimming with hardly any information retention. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire having a lot of information without investing the time and become frustrated when this is not possible.

Self-Corrective/ Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself sequestering knowledge or training to only select people, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is what we have on a world-wide basis which makes it impossible for many to survive in the system due to not having been supported to learn to read and write. I commit to having a look at how to support other groups too, to look at the parameters I need to observe and within this what I am able to invest time-wise.
When and as I revel in expressions, I stop and breathe. I don’t allow myself to shift into feelings within the respective expression wherein I am separating myself from the words. Instead I take a breath, forgive the feeling that is here in and as me, and/or the association and stand one and equal with/as the expression.

When and as I am in the s-bahn or subway and am letting my eyes wander toward other people, I stop and breathe. I don’t allow myself to judge, compare and assess/project.  Instead I remain aware, accept the thought that comes up and immediately direct myself as and within it, by saying the self-forgiveness and commitment statements.

When and as I have a look into the paper and am at the point of judging others for being concerned with municipal issues, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am thus separating myself from what is going on in this city and area, and from the people that ‘are concerned about it’. I see that I am coming from a point of superiority and am actually feeling inferior to all the information about who is promoting what and why in the city and what the situation is with respect to the myriad of issues that are going on. I commit to opening up and directing more awareness toward these things to get to know the main points and issues, the background story, get some investigations going to be able to eventually stand one and equal with the environment I live in.


When and as I am seeing myself finding it difficult to read an article with lots of information in one sentence, I stop and breathe. I do not give up and ‘loose interest’. I chunk up the sentence into smaller pieces of information and look up what I have no background information on. I don’t let myself become impatient with myself, but breathe and realize that I don’t have to manage the whole article all in one go, but commit to opening up as much as will be reasonable for the time slot I am seeing that is available. Thus, I will support myself to learn to read between the lines and sort the information accordingly so that I am able to stand equal and one with it/as it.

When and as I see that an article is biased, I stop and breathe. I realize that the points that lead me to consider it as biased are emotional wording and one-sided presentation of circumstances, which I am able to be aware of and take into consideration when reading. I am able to cross-reference such points so as to have a more complete view on the discussed points. Thus it is not necessary to take them at face value and go into resistance. I am able to consider if the article is worth reading despite the sling or not.

When and as I see myself participating in impatience while reading, because I seem to be getting ahead only slowly or not as fast as I would have expected, I stop and breathe. I check my starting point for reading the text/article/blog – is it just the information or is it about actual change that will be approached through the reading of the respective material - and realign it within and as commonsense. I realize that I often start an article with the starting point of wanting to obtain the information really quick, actually without having to read it first at all. I see I will not remember much of what I read when I participate in impatience while reading. So here I commit to breath, being Here in the physical and realizing that the brain does need some time to absorb the information. This simply takes as long as it does. I commit to breath when and as I read.


 ‘I am’ statements:

I am busy with reading in my workplace
I am very specific
I am supported by my ability to read
I am skilled at reading
I am good at finding out how technical things work
I am interested in others’ blogs and what others write
I am motivated by others’ writing
I am fascinated by expressions and words
I am joyful at rediscovering words
I am time-efficient
I am a precise reader
I am in an effort to be informed
I am seeking insights
I am an impatient reader at times
I am a slow reader
I am not capable of skimming a text efficiently
I am bad with political background info
I am frustrated with my reading skills


As I have already mentioned, these statements will be further investigated as 
to their current validity and reality in my day-to-day living, but as one is able to see, 
I have sifted through a lot of memories and self-perceptions to get to these 
self-definition points which I will take as a point of departure to commence 
with within further writings.