|Life Review What is Self Awareness|
Freitag, 18. Juli 2014
Day 627 Self-forgiveness to ’The paranoia of being seen and judged for having sweaty and sticky hands’ – A point I overlooked.
This post is a follow-up of the previous two posts.
My buddy pointed out to me that I might have been missing the point of anger within the situation and experience of having sweaty palms and unclear skin, of beating myself up over it and being irritated and frustrated with myself in relation to these points. When reading this I realized that this actually is like a basic feature within and as my relationship to self. So here follows the self-forgiveness and commitment statements on these points.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize the anger that is present within the situation and experience of having sweaty palms, an emotion that I participate in and as when I don’t let go of the experience and judge myself over it, beating myself up for it and then realize the hold I allow it to have over me.
Instead I now see, realize and understand that I don’t let go of the experience of the sweaty palms and I judge myself for not letting go. I beat myself up for having sweaty hands, and again judge myself for beating me up for it. Then I get angry at myself pertaining to the hold I allow it to have over me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize how the backchat I participated in regarding to making such an emotional experience of a physical circumstance or phenomenon - is creating the emotion of anger at self within me, due to the judgments I form against myself: where I am holding ideas of being perceived in certain particular ways by others and from that starting point criticizing myself for not being sovereign and stable enough to stand without these restrictions and limitations of my physical expression.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger as a result of not letting go of the experience, and emotions therein, of having sweaty hands and beating myself up for it and feeling very influenced by it.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to let go of the experience of the physical phenomenon of and as sweaty palms and instead focus on self-expressing uninhibited by the emotions I accumulated with it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to continually judge myself of and for allowing the phenomenon of sweaty palms to have such a hold over me and participate in anger over myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of frustration over my body and its expression and manifestation of sweaty palms, wherein I am allowing this emotional movement within me as the interpretation of and as me-here pertaining to sweaty palms, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I participate within and as this self-perceptive interpretation of frustration, the more I become it – the more it is who-I-am in fact.
When and as I see myself holding on to the experience of sweaty palms, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am ultimately manifesting a point of anger within and as me. I do not allow this and commit to stopping and letting go in one moment by taking a deep breath and focusing on what is here and relevant in the physical as word and deed.
When and as I see myself judging myself for not letting go of the experience of sweaty palms, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that judging myself for not letting the experience of the sweaty hands go – meaning not stopping the participation within and as the energies around the point, the thoughts and backchat reactions – I am reinforcing the point within and as me and blowing it up disproportionately and separating myself further from what is actually here in reality. I stop this and commit to releasing myself from this self-perception of and as the sweatiness by focusing on breath and the physical as-is and moving myself in alignment with the physical as self-expression in the moment.
When and as I see myself beating myself up for having/experiencing sweaty hands I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am abusing myself by entertaining certain specific thoughts and emotions within me lastly pertaining to physical manifestations and my relationship to them/as them. I will not continue to allow this relationship in and as me to my physical and commit to a full stop. Instead I stabilize myself in and as breath one and equal to, with and as the physical – no separation into and as the mind.
When and as I see myself judging myself for beating me up for having/experiencing sweaty hands, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this self-judgment is simply another dimension of self-abuse where I am actually judging my self-judgments and emotional participation. This is completely contra-productive and unsupportive. I stop.
When and as I see myself participating in anger with respect to the hold I allow the experience of sweaty hands to have over me, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is an emotion that I usually suppress, which then manifests more as frustration. I see that the state of my skin, when it flares up more, is a reflection of this suppressed anger – so every time I see myself participating within and as frustration I stop, see the connection to anger and the self-abuse this amounts to, and breathe, choose to accept myself unconditionally and focus on practical interaction with my environment as myself without any separation / projection into the mind.
When and as I see myself backchatting about my experience of the sweaty palms criticizing, judging and condemning myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this is connected to the emotions of frustrations and anger and the self-limitation I am allowing. I commit to stopping the backchat and any and all emotions that are presenting themselves. I breathe and stabilize myself to remain here in physical reality in and as practicality and commonsense.
When and I see myself participating in anger as a result of not letting go of the experience of having sweaty palms, where I’m beating myself up for it and feeling very influenced by it, I stop and breathe. Instead I focus on self-expressing without allowing and accepting any inhibitions as I understand the pattern that results in self-limitation and self-abuse.
Sonntag, 13. Juli 2014
Day 626 Self-forgiveness and commitment statements to ’The paranoia of being seen and judged for having sweaty and sticky hands’
Here I'm writing out the self-forgiveness and commitment statements to the paranoia of being judged and disliked for having sweaty palms and the related points that have come up in my post from Day 625.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with discomfort to an idea and visualization of him having indicated to me to move over to his side, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding this idea and visualization to be the interpretation of a movement of his that I had only caught from the side of my eyes.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shift into past moments of/within school days, where I was motioned to change seats with another pupil to which I had then reacted with the same discomfort, instead of remaining in this Here-moment in and as breath, only using the visualization and idea as the understanding of what the indicated movement was to mean within and as commonsense.
Within this, I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I had shifted into an alternative reality as the past moment and stop and change myself as this moment here, embracing the discomfort in the realization of where it is sourced, as this memory within and as me, breathe and direct myself to be fully here in my physical and the physical environment per se, without any of the judgments that I held in the past of my environment of the past, which had then accumulated to the effect of discomfort.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the feeling of discomfort and in this feel unable to direct myself.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had separated myself from myself as the physical by feeling annoyed with my sweaty hands, which I realize now that I have had identified myself with as if they were a negative feature of mine that I cannot avoid and that cause me to be and feel very limited.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid touching the wax tablecloth with my hand palms and side of my hand because of the sound it makes when I lift my hand off from it when starting a new line when writing due to their stickiness, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was trying to hide this circumstance in the fear of being judged for that, which I had created in the past and which I had in fact judged myself for.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not have remembered what I fear being judged for at the moment, and only after further investigating within myself realize that I feared being asked about it and seen as strange, different, weird and being ostracized for it.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being labeled as ‘strange’, ‘different’, ‘weird’, instead of seeing that I had used these labels on myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being ostracized, instead of seeing that I had separated myself within the self-judgment of my sweaty hands as being strange, different, weird and identifying myself with this circumstance and allowing myself to be limited in/as it.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within and as my environment by perceiving myself as strange, weird and different with the sweaty hands, instead of simply unconditionally accepting this physical expression of my body as a phenomenon that I can take as feedback on either the level of stress or other regulatory processes that are going on within me as the physical.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to accept my body unconditionally, and have not seen, realized and understood that I am the same within and as life as the physical as all other physical forms and expressions - as the basis is life; wherein I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from life as an attempt to understand myself and within this lost sight of the actual essence of self as being Life within and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with discomfort towards the idea of sitting next to someone in the situation that is similar to one, where I had conditioned myself to perceive myself under the pressure of ‘achievement’, of the effort of having to perform because I’m being paid to do something, and thus I must pay good attention to how I do something, because ‘if I am paid for something, I must excel and be better than others or else they would have no reason to choose me over others for this job’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the perception of having to achieve, to which I reacted with discomfort and pressure. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that with being here in and as breath I am able to give the best I am able to in the moment that is here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe because I am paid for something, I must ‘pay good attention to how I do something, because I must excel and be better than others or else they would have no reason to choose me over others for this job’ and thus create pressure wherein I feel reminded of school and instantly re-create the physical reactions as the hands manifesting sweatiness.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my body under pressure and thus create consequences such as sweating reactions to which I further react with thoughts, backchat and projections through which I reinforce my self-judgment and the pressure and the focus on this filter of self-perception – thus making more of moments here within a given environment/situation than is actually real and supportive.
I commit to releasing this focus on the sweatiness and allow and accept the physical with its expression for what it is: the consequence of my allowed and accepted thoughts and projections, fears and reactions that have physically accumulated. I commit to breathing through these moments of perceived pressure which I see, realize and understand are based on the thoughts of having to achieve, to be better than others, to excel, which are based on the starting point of competition and comparison and fear of not being good enough. I do not allow these thoughts to define who I am and thus I stop participation in and as them. Instead I breathe and focus on what the situation requires pertaining to support of the other and myself as the other.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to become more self-conscious by the fact that someone was sitting next to me, reacting to it by being bothered more by the sweatiness of my palms, due to the fear and belief that this would/could be noticed by him and he would wonder about it, and somewhat reject me for it or dismiss me of being validated as an equal.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to the idea that someone is able to/should and might not ‘validate me as an equal’ at all, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that through standing one and equal to all the aspects of myself that I have separated myself from and directing myself to re-integrate them to stand as the whole as life I am living the validation of myself as equal and one with all that is as life here.
Thus I commit to investigating where I have not stood as equal to what is here as me and walking the process of equalizing myself, breath for breath and to not-create separation within and as me by dismissing and/or rejecting aspects of me within/by participation in/as self-judgments, fears, projections, ideas and other mind consciousness components.
When and as I realize that my hands and palms are sweaty and/or my skin is ‘bad’ and before I start to worry about it and thus entering past perceptions of pressure and fears of being dismissed, or rejected as an equal and thus participating in the fear of not being able to achieve on par with what is appropriate/expected or necessary in the situation and following from it the participation in the fear that I might not be able to survive – I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this phenomenon of sweatiness on the palms and/or the condition of my skin is simply and indicator of an already allowed and accepted accumulation of thoughts and perceptions that manifested pressure and stress on the physical and/or a cleansing release of substances from the physical to balance itself. I do not allow the participation in projections of how others will think of this, when they notice it, if they notice it at all, and do not allow to add any energy to this phenomenon/body expression and manifestation. Instead I have a look at how and where I am able to support myself and thus my physical to release pressure and to align myself with what is here. I realize that I am already taking step by step measures of self-support within the system so I am able to maintain stability within and as it and ultimately change myself as it to be aligned with the principle of best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of shame with respect to skin eruptions such as pimples on my face and thus also participate in a fear of loss within the idea that I had identified with of and as smooth clear skin as being beautiful and something I would want and need in order to be more acceptable, which, when my skin is ‘good’ I identify myself with, as then looking/being acceptable, and so: not-seeing this feature in myself I fear losing acceptability / being less acceptable for others and within the whole, and fearing having to change my perception of validity when a state of relative clarity of my skin is reached.
Thus I see, realize and understand that I had taken the clarity of skin as a measure for validity and acceptance and equal standing with others, as normalcy and the existence and manifestation of pimples on my skin/face as me being an aberrance from this normalcy and thus not likable and acceptable, creating a fear of rejection and dismissal, similar to the point of sweatiness of the palms.
I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I had manifested a picture within me of my cousin’s nice skin at the time I had stayed over in the summer vacation when I was a teenager and associated it with the fact that she seemed to be accepted by her friends and considered this to be something that has a relevance in this context as a part of her being as I see her, which is also recognized by others as being nice in her/as a nice feature of hers and thus promotes likeability and acceptance.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge her skin as being nice and deduce a likeability of her whole being from that, and thus reduce her and me to a point, among others, of how her/my skin is or looks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others would only like me, if and when I had ‘good’, clear and smooth skin and not-seeing this belief as a justification for judging myself in this respect as a deflection from my accepted and allowed insecurity within my interactions with others and my reactions within me when certain particular expressions were used and I didn’t know what they actually meant or what was appropriate as an answer that would be as cool as they had projected themselves to be or that would make me as cool and thus acceptable and likeable vs. being rejected or dismissed.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have desired to be ‘likeable’, ‘acceptable’ and within this allow and accept the fear of being rejected and/or dismissed.
Instead I now allow and commit to, when and as I see myself at the verge of feeling insecure, to stop myself and breathe and realize that I’m about to divert my attention from breath-here as the solution, to a judgment of my skin (and/or sweatiness) and the projection thereof onto the other person as if coming from them and being a reason for a possibly imminent rejection or off-hand dismissal as ‘not-likeable’. Within this I see, realize and understand that I had also built up a kind of pressure to respond with the ‘right words’ in order to be cool, acceptable, likeable, to a point to even be more likeable than others, to be liked over another, so as to be preferred over another person/being, as if there were only a certain number of beings one could like – derived from the energy that I created from others’ reaction to me or what I had said and thus ‘finding validation’ in and as it.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have subjected myself to the idea of there being a cool answer that makes one acceptable, thus separating myself from self-expression in and as the moment of breath-here as who I am and instead projecting myself onto the other within considering what the other would find cool.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a competition out of being with beings wherein I want to be cool and/or cooler than others, and/or especially cool, due to the feedback I had sometimes gotten that I interpreted as ‘they like me’. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rather be quiet than to say the ‘wrong thing’, instead of taking a breath and in that realizing what is here as and within me as self-expression and allow myself to share this of and as myself.
I commit to, when and as insecurity shows itself in and as me, to stop for a second and breathe. To see, realize and understand the pressure that is connected to this point within and as me in relation to saying ‘the right thing’ to be accepted and liked, the fear of being rejected created in past moments as a child/teenager at my cousin’s and recreated in moments at school. I do not allow and accept myself to divert myself from this point of upcoming insecurity at which I am simply able to breathe and not-participate in the energy and to express what is here as and within me as something I decide to share within and as self-expression and support/self-support. I stop all judgments that might arise with respect to the state of my skin, where I access a mental image of the momentary ‘negative’ state of it. I also stop all perceptions through the filter of judging a sweatiness of my palms, if existent in/at that moment. I choose to share myself within and as self-expression as appropriate within/as support of others and self-support.
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Samstag, 28. Juni 2014
Today I noticed a movement within and as me as I was tutoring a guy who is taking German lessons from me. As we had just finished a study book and we were in the process of deciding whether the progress that was made was sufficient for him to continue with the next level and we were working through some test questions and exercises, he suddenly decided to move over to my side of the table so that we could both go over the work he had previously done and I could read it better. Before doing so he started to say something but changed his mind and instead moved over to my side.
I participated in the idea and visualization of him having indicated to me to move over to his side of the table which all at once made me feel uncomfortable. I had been aware of having sweaty hands this morning, which is something that used to bother me a lot when I was a teenager especially at school in those years, and, strangely, today it bothered me again, and this feeling of being bothered by it intensified when he was sitting right next to me. On that morning I was also self-conscious about what and how I was explaining. I felt as if I were back in the old school days when each and every participation in the lesson was evaluated and judged and amounted to failing or succeeding within the respective subject matter and school as a whole. Though this was not immediately here with me in a conscious manner. I had thoughts and projections coming up of him noticing that my hands are sticky because of the sound my hand made every time I lifted it from the wax table cloth to start a new line on the left side of the paper on which I was writing the corrected version of his exercise.
So this added up to a feeling experience of discomfort and when the visualization arose of me being motioned to change my seating position which expanded my discomfort within the inner movement that I noticed, I realized that this was a ‘Jack-in-the-Box’Memory that had it’s origin in the school room of the past, where a teacher had directed me to change my seat and sit next to a boy in a different place in the class-room, so this kid would be stopped from talking to his neighbor and would thus stop disturbing her lesson. There too I had felt uncomfortable and feared being noticed and judged for my sticky and sweaty hands and feared him seeing and being repulsed by my pimples and unclear skin. The uneasiness in that moment of/in the past matched the one I was reliving with my German studying friend there. I see, now that I am writing this, that my experience of discomfort is not actually based on the reality situation of sitting next to him per se or feeling my hands to be sticky per se or him maybe noticing and inwardly judging, or least assessing, the state of my skin – because oftentimes before I’ve had lots of moments of totally enjoying the tutoring with him and feeling comfortable in the room and the situation as a whole. So this situation has undergone an interpretation through my mind consciousness system where I was ‘sucked into the past’ which I projected onto reality and so didn’t experience my body as it was here as simply having sweaty/sticky palms and some facial skin reaction points, but as I had experienced myself then, in a past environment to which I had reacted then and had now gone into a timeloop – and in that moment not allowing myself to change my perspective in one moment and step out of the time trap – but actually only a while later when I had time to look at this incidence when in the car.
I started with self-forgiveness and realized a handful of points that had been touched on in the situation, such as shame, fear of loss and fear of change; and the identification with an image of ‘nice and smooth, clear skin’ – where I saw the combination of the word identity as consisting of the idea of something which I, the entity, had identified with: Idea + entity = identity.
So in the next post I will write out the self-forgiveness on this to have a stable platform from which I am able to see, realize and understand how to place the self-commitment statements to support myself to remain here and stable and continue to enjoy the time spent with another communicating on a field or subject.
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