Monday, June 13, 2016

Day 689 - Walking into the Past Experience of Fear and Stress

Attachment to things / my first impression/experience towards my flat

I listened to the eqafe interview 'Home and everything in it - relationship success support' and found it interesting that you upload your original experience every time you enter the flat or see an object that you've bought. So here I want to investigate what experiences I had that are uploaded.

In opening this up again, I see the first impression was that of a flat not optimally furnished and it was somehow improvised. I saw that the people that it belonged to were sitting in the back room almost squished on their sofa as if waiting that they could freely move through their flat again. I felt as if I was intruding. The other room was not much lived in. Also I remember the doors, where it was said that they needed to be painted. The bathroom tiles were old-fashioned, but the nice thing was that there was a bath-tub and a shower. There also was the balcony and two doors leading outside to it - from each of the bigger rooms. And the kitchen was so that one could see out onto the balcony. So the overall experience I had was 'it is possible to live here' - an allowance of potential.

I also remember coming into the flat and taking a breath and holding a long-drawn 'okay..., let's see' within me.

And now see that I still often enter the flat with 'ok, let's see' as an entry point within myself - a bit like there is a fear of entering and finding something disappointing and/or overwhelmingly demanding. As if I let myself relax into the flat environment only after seeing what needs attention. I don't go in and let myself fall into an easy chair or onto the couch, which would be a self-movement that allows and welcomes self to be here - where I place self-care over taking care of everything around me first when it is supportive to do so.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to shift into the past moment of initial experience with the flat every time I enter it.

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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reload my first experience of the flat every time I walk through the apartment door.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that there may be something disappointing or overwhelmingly demanding to be done before I can relax and have the being-home feeling.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a filter of 'what there still to be done before I can be comfortable and at home' when I enter the flat.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there was a slight fear that I will have to do a lot before I will be able to feel at home again when I first entered the flat I now live in and thus unconsciously recharge this fear each time I walk in through the door.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an energy of annoyance at the fact that not everything had been made perfect by the landlord such as painting the doorframes or sanding the wood floor as was originally mentioned.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to act on my fear of having to do a lot before I can feel at home by projecting annoyance onto my landlord, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am acting on a past moment where I had been exhausted from all that had 
transpired fearing it wouldn't end and so would have liked him to make more of an effort for the high rent he is getting.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to walk into my flat and let everything go that this first experience had held in and as me, and relax and feel totally at home from the moment I get there.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and accumulate moments of exhaustion and fear as a burden that I access and charge up unconsciously when entering my flat.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not only create the potential that I saw after the initial gathering of impressions of the flat, but also allow myself to fully embrace the whole environment as myself as I've created it (together with my daughter), to then take a deep breath and let myself be for a moment, to re-align with the physical here.

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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I do, within/as  the created filter of 'having a lot to do', instead of allowing myself to be here first and then from that starting point self-direct.


When and as I am about to enter my flat, I stop and breathe for a moment and check myself for 'this accumulated burden' of fear of having to do a lot before I can slow down, relax, recline and/or generally let go. I see, realize and understand how I created and accumulated it with going into an experience toward this environment based on previous stress. I see, realize and understand that initial experiences with things are reloaded with every 'encounter' as long as I don't realign my internal relationship with them. I see the separation that I go into by shifting into this 'old' experience and do not allow it anymore. Instead of this pattern of self-limitation, I commit to now embrace the environment as myself, breathe through any ideas of having to do a lot before I can feel at home and relax, and embrace self-care.




Monday, May 2, 2016

Day 688 - Seeing the Difference between Form and Substance

Beginning to see some ways in how I subjected myself to 'form':


I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand what meaning the word 'form' holds in that there is a difference to substance.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand the  ways I have allowed and accepted myself to live the word 'form' to diminish myself as life/substance.

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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that form is something to be pursued as value in my life, as for instance in body forms and shapes, where I've started to confuse substance with form and deadened my beingness by forcing it into specific ideas of what it/I should look like.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe my life should take on the form as lived by my parents not seeing, realizing and understanding to which degree they had allowed and accepted their enslavement into and as the system confusing the form they lived themselves as for the substance of life.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to be clear on in-form-ation and the way I had placed aspects of my beingness into and as information in separation of myself instead of standing in equality and oneness with the form by substantiating it within/as the living word - thus substantiating the information process into and as form in equality and oneness with life.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a form requires life/substance to substantiate it to make it real.


Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be subject to the ideas that are placed into a form without standing one and equal to the respective ideas, the information, and the motivation and triggers behind them - as is the case with bonds, certificates and legal systems of commerce - where I become less than it and enslave myself to such placements.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Day 687 - Reaction on Suppositions and Accusation

Recently I had a reaction toward someone who simply accused me of not having done / still not doing something particular, based on pure supposition and totally outside of the context of the conversation we were having.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to questions based on pure suppositions that were placed out of context, with the result that my focus was redirected from the original context into me answering the question, the 'trick' being the tonality of accusation/denunciation.

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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed a trigger in myself as the belief 'when I am asked something then I must answer', instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a remnant of school days, where it was consequential to fail to answer a question (an-sir = directing my words as if addressing a sir, where I perceived myself as subordinate, as with the school teacher).

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the trigger in myself as the belief 'I have to defend myself when accused and/or clarify that the accusation is not based on facts/reality'.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am giving away my authority in answering to the person asking questions (as-king) as I do not stand one and equal but subject myself to the other's direction and manipulation instead of taking the starting point of self-direction and self-purpose.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get nervous when people I have just only met in a social context start asking me questions, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I shift into a "having to answer 'correctly'" mode from school days. Instead I breathe and commit to self-honest communication and/or sharing.


I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself in the situation of being asked a question and specifically when based on pure suppositions placed out of context in perceived accusation and manipulation. I see, realize and understand that the belief 'I must answer any and all questions posed to me' is not valid and the solution to be lived is self-direction and self-purpose in an equal and one starting point to ensure I do not allow myself to go into the supposition as a 'sub-position' and fall into past pupil-teacher relationships. In this specific case I see through the situation being an attempt at manipulation to reestablish a sort of balance. So instead of answering I direct the conversation back to the relevant point(s).

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Day 686 - Reacting to Noises and the Suppression of Anger Creating Water Retention in Legs

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These points came up in a kinesiology session pertaining to water retention in my legs, so here I'm starting to walk them using self-forgiveness to see how I am creating this situation for myself. 


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy patterns from my dad on an unconscious, quantum mind and quantum physical level related to reacting to noises and environmental influences like the computer, TV, cellphone by participating in anger, frustration, annoyance and irritation and retain and thus suppress these emotions, instead of, for instance, living the archetype of the child, where I see the reaction and release it and then channel my self into and as the living word tolerance.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to project onto others that they are to blame for how I experience myself in such moments and to backchat that they are inconsiderate, thus making myself the victim within such situations and experiences.

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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create consequences for my body as the retention of water in my legs by retaining the emotions instead of directing myself as them to acknowledge their existence in and as me, to release them with an out-breath and choose a 'living word' to live.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of tightness within me by attempting to understand how a particular paragraph is meant, what experience the words are pointing to and to channel myself into this tension-state where my physical becomes like a pressure chamber and then from not being able to make sense of it make the noise I was hearing the disturbing factor and the person listening to it, the perpetrator.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I created myself to be a perpetrator onto myself by channeling/pressuring myself into a tension state and creating my physical into a kind of pressure chamber by the continuous attempt to find meaning within what I was seeing before me.

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I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I was creating myself as the perpetrator onto myself and thus victimize myself within the moments of 'trying to understand'. Also, I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I had also created self-victimization by how I perceived and placed myself within this situation as 'the other being inconsiderate of me', where I am creating a perpetrator and a victim - which is actually the externalization of what I had already created within.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create anger, frustration, annoyance and irritation from this pressure of trying to make sense of the word placement and project it onto the noise that I was hearing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suspect my partner of suppressing points when I was the one suppressing emotions - namely those of irritation, frustration, anger and annoyance to noise in my environment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to build a resistance to my day by considering what the plan for the day is and experiencing it like some kind of arrogation that I have to do this, thusly already placing myself into a victim-mode.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover up emotions within me underneath the anger by going into backchat toward my environment for being too loud, where I blame them and am thus not seeing the real point inside of myself that is more a fear, being terrified, sad, depressed, lonely, bored and tired.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accepted these random emotional experiences of fear, being terrified, sad, depressed, lonely, bored and tired into myself as who I am.

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 I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accepted a belief in myself of being possessed by the emotional experiences that I have downloaded from my dad - as some kind of dark force inside of myself that's possessing me, which I fear, wherein I see myself to be the victim. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my emotions and thus not stand in/as them to be able to change them...me as them. 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accepted a belief in myself of being able of anything I set my mind to implying that I see my emotions as an obstacle within reaching my potential - like if it weren't for these emotions, then I could do anything. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fight against my emotional experiences.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accepted a belief in myself that to be a truly fulfilled human, someone must love me implying that I'm looking for support/pity from other people - like expecting people to help me with my emotions or more like expecting people to make me feel better. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in self-victimization by in moments perceiving myself as not worthy of being loved and so I am not loved and thus not truly fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have accepted a belief in myself wherein I expect my children to make me feel good about myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that one should respect one's elders/parents - from where I wanted to get positive feedback from my children to feel good about myself to escape the negative side of myself, which are the emotions of fear, anger, irritation, annoyance - the 'being terrified', bored, tired, sad, depressed, lonely - for a positive feeling.
Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being victimized by my emotions in the mornings and thus go into resistance of starting my day. From this - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as a good person, which I take as a starting point for experiencing myself as a victim of above emotions.

I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I allow myself to victimize myself by participating in emotions and a fear of this, where I feel bad, seek a positive feeling through my kids, based on a belief that parents must be honored and my perception of being a good person. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a heaviness in my body and a resistance toward my day.  I commit to stop participation in feelings and emotions, breathe and direct myself to not allow self-victimization in relation to such experiences and instead see that I had been fighting a part of myself in the moment and I can choose a word to live. 
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I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into imaginations where I imagine/project myself acting out and expressing my anger, where I feel angry and want to say something, but then I don't. Within this, I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am fuelling the anger by going into imaginations and projections of acting it out. Instead I stop and realize that the actual point I'm dealing with is me victimizing myself to my own emotional reactions to whatever is happening around me. So I intend to apply sf on that stance of being a victim.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want others and expect others to help me and/or pity me when I am in an experience of emotional reaction and instead I choose to live empathy.


I forgive myself that I hadn't allowed myself to see that reacting to sounds and noises in my environment is where I want help and/or pity for emotional experiences I am going through, where I place myself in a superior position of me being more important in this moment than the other and his self-relationship that produces 'noise' that I react to. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be unaware and inconsiderate of others' feelings, wants and needs. I commit to live the word 'tolerance' with others and my environment, and breathe.